Having found the right moment in the porn scene, he puts his phone on the bedside table.

“Move. I want you right here, head down: so I can watch the porn while I use your cunt.”

Use. Your. Cunt.

Those three words are everything to me: the perfect distillation of what this scene’s been building to. The moment when I can close my eyes, bite my lip, and do nothing other than stay perfectly still – a hole for him to fuck while he watches porn.

“Get your head down.” It’s not really a command – his hand on the back of my neck is pressing me down so hard I couldn’t lift it if I tried. The only way out is to tap him gently to stop the scene. But I don’t want it to stop. I want to stay rigidly still, holding my breath so as not to disturb him while he fucks out the frustration he was building before. I want him to whisper “that’s it” and “hold fucking still” in my ear and grunt along with the porn we’re watching – or not watching – together.

I want to behave.

I want to be good.

Compliant. 

In fact, more than compliant. Compliance suggests a conscious decision to do what I’m told, and I don’t want it to feel like a decision. When he tells me “squeeze your cunt tight around my dick” I want to do it instantly, before I have time to decide – I respond to his order in the same way a light turns on when you flick the button.

Automatic. Simple. Useful. Clenching around his fat, pounding cock in just the way it should to most efficiently milk spunk from him. At the same time as the guys on screen spray he’s filling my cunt and grunting with a casual satisfaction. The way you’d sigh happily after draining a pint glass when you’re thirsty.

So when I write about watching porn together, this is how I want to do it. From the outside it looks distant and selfish and borderline  looks less like ‘watching porn together’ than ‘him watching porn while he uses my cunt.’

But in fact it’s a carefully honed play – each word and sound scripted to cater to exactly my personal kinks. Each movement timed and rehearsed to create the most efficient, pinpoint pleasure. And when he does it I feel closer to him than I do during a straight-up fuck.

Because it’s my fantasy, in all its weird and sexy detail. And he’s burrowed so deeply in my head that I can barely tell the reality from the scene I dreamed up years ago.