Most people, believe that the Lifestyle has made their relationships stronger and deeper. For as many reasons as one could name, it is surprising that the least of them is the sex. Yes, swinging has given some people great opportunity to improve their own sexual technique. They have learned new ways to please, new things about themselves that they enjoy and ways to be invigorated by their partner. They deal with the same issues every day that every couple deals with, swingers or not. The lifestyle has given them a positive distraction to some of them, has invigorated their desires for each other and has given them ways to communicate and problem-solve some of the conflicts and issues.
Good communication seems to help everyone keep the Lifestyle in perspective. Talk about what your rules are, where your comfort level is and have an exit strategy. Do not change your rules at a swinging function but you can review this and discuss changes any time at home.
Here are some questions you need to ask yourself and your partner with regard to your own relationship and your own individual feelings, before you entertain the prospect of swinging.
You do not know what you do not know, however, here are some questions as a starting point. Answer these questions honestly and candidly. You are answering these for you, no one else. If you are misleading, it will come back at you later, with a negative impact.
- Do you understand that romantic love and recreational sex are two different things?
- How will you feel when you see your partner obtaining better sexual satisfaction with another person?
- Are you doing this to please yourself or to please your partner?
- What fantasies do you have and how would you like to go about fulfilling them? Can you fulfill them together?
- Can you be totally, brutally honest with each other about everything?
- Are you ready to accept an honest answer to your question - even if it's not the answer you wanted or expect to hear?
- Are completely committed to each other?
- Can you be ready to "come to the aid" of your partner or keep your partner's well being and feelings foremost in your thoughts (check on your mate periodically - "Are you OK, Having fun, etc.") during your party experiences?
- Can you stop in the middle of a sexual experience, if your partner really needs you?
- Can you honestly tell your partner you love them after you watch them engage in sexual activities with another person?
- How do you feel about bisexuality for yourself and/or your partner? (There are fewer male bisexuals in swinging than female, but you should discuss the topic, you may surprise yourself.)
If a couple gets caught up in emotions or allows other people to fill in the relational gaps, things will spiral down at an amazing speed. There needs to be constant communication to identify if the Lifestyle is taking up too much time and not giving enough time for couple to develop and enhance their relationship. There maybe times to pull out (no pun) for awhile.
Remember, swinging is recreational sex. All these playmates are just toys you can not buy in a store. Some couples go bowling for fun and recreation. Swingers enjoy sex. What is best about that is, the balls are always the right size and you do not have to wear someone else's shoes. As with any hobby if you obsess over it, you have a problem.
There are no tangible statistics about the divorce rate of swingers, I once heard 15%, but we do know that swinging couples get divorced over those same things as "vanilla" couples. People who get into the swinging lifestyle to build up something they do not have or they join for the wrong reasons, will always fail.
Bottom line: If a relationship is solid the Lifestyle seems to enhance it. If a relationship is suffering, any kind of stress will complicate things, bring issues to the surface and could bend it to the breaking point. Do not let the swinging lifestyle define who you are as an individual or a couple. One lady told me 'we are not swingers; we are a couple who swings.' Couples who have the degree of confidence and complicity to enjoy the lifestyle together are very lucky indeed.
Once you learn that the lifestyle is not all about sexual gratification, when you develop friendships with other couples, you will share memories, laughter and your relationship will grow. Since this topic is brought up time and time again by new couples, let's hear from some veteran swingers. Give us your story and let others know how you are doing and what your successes are.
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So you want to be a swinger...??
My wife and I have been together for 24 years and are closer to each other than ever
We share daily life and can be honest about sex, often discuss various subjects, mostly her and her lovers
At the start we tried a party and she did not like seeing me with another woman so that does not happen as my turnon is seeing her with a man between her legs and that is more important to me than any other activity
Yes it is amazing, I love her more than ever when she has been with another man, alone or with me in a threesome
Yes we knew what we were doing when we started, she loves a skelmpie and I love her having one and it took a lot of convincing for her to trust me and it sometimes leaves me astounded at how naturally it comes to her when she has decided to go for it
But as someone will point out we are not really swingers
The key to a healthy, happy, loving, connected, bonded, lasting, and successful marital relationship is to water the plant of marriage each day with the following:
• Make the time and take the time and do not take your marriage for granted.
• Make the time and take the time and do not take your spouse for granted.
• Make the time and take the time and spend quality time with your spouse.
• Make the time and take the time and get to know your spouse throughout your marriage.
• Make the time and take the time and pay attention to your spouse.
• Make the time and take the time and be supportive of your spouse.
• Make the time and take the time and be a dear friend to your spouse.
• Make the time and take the time to behave in a manner that is trustworthy, reliable, and responsible.
In many marriages over time the relationship becomes a business partnership. This means that the marriage gradually loses the loving, nurturing, passionate, caring, giving, and interest in taking the time for the other person – the other side of the marriage. The business partnership occurs in many relationships because it includes taking care of all of the many responsibilities that occurs in marriage (e.g., bills, children). The key is not to lose the passionate side of the marriage and have the business partnership take over. Rather, it is to have a healthy balance of business and pleasure.
A helpful technique that you can start using today is:
1. Every morning when you wake up ask yourself:
1. What is one thing I can do today to help enhance my marriage?
2. What is one thing I can do today to help my spouse feel loved, valued, appreciated, and special?
2. Make sure to implement your answer to your questions that very day.
3. Every night before you go to sleep ask yourself:
1. What is the one thing I did today to help enhance my marriage?
2. What did I do today that helped my spouse to feel loved, valued, appreciated, and special?
If you did nothing today in your answers to part 'A', nor part 'B', take action right now!
• There are 3 key pieces you should know and implement to experience a successful marriage.
• There are 3 key pieces you should know and implement to feel truly connected to your spouse and your spouse connected to you.
• There are 3 key pieces you should know and implement so you can play an active role in the ongoing development of having a healthy, happy, loving, and bonded relationship.
The 3 key pieces you should know and implement with your spouse are:
1. Emotional Intimacy
2. Physical Intimacy
3. Sexual Intimacy
Within these 3 key pieces you must have active communication with your spouse. Without communication within each of these 3 key pieces the relationship declines over time. With communication you open the door each day to a relationship that has the opportunity to grow in each of the 3 important marital areas of intimacy.
BEFORE you even think of swinging, ensure that your relationship is on very solid ground.
Swinging may enhance a good relationship, but it WILL NEVER FIX A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP...!!
Lastly, DON'T EVER, EVER BULLY YOUR PARTNER INTO SWINGING...!!
• Make the time and take the time and do not take your marriage for granted.
• Make the time and take the time and do not take your spouse for granted.
• Make the time and take the time and spend quality time with your spouse.
• Make the time and take the time and get to know your spouse throughout your marriage.
• Make the time and take the time and pay attention to your spouse.
• Make the time and take the time and be supportive of your spouse.
• Make the time and take the time and be a dear friend to your spouse.
• Make the time and take the time to behave in a manner that is trustworthy, reliable, and responsible.
In many marriages over time the relationship becomes a business partnership. This means that the marriage gradually loses the loving, nurturing, passionate, caring, giving, and interest in taking the time for the other person – the other side of the marriage. The business partnership occurs in many relationships because it includes taking care of all of the many responsibilities that occurs in marriage (e.g., bills, children). The key is not to lose the passionate side of the marriage and have the business partnership take over. Rather, it is to have a healthy balance of business and pleasure.
A helpful technique that you can start using today is:
1. Every morning when you wake up ask yourself:
1. What is one thing I can do today to help enhance my marriage?
2. What is one thing I can do today to help my spouse feel loved, valued, appreciated, and special?
2. Make sure to implement your answer to your questions that very day.
3. Every night before you go to sleep ask yourself:
1. What is the one thing I did today to help enhance my marriage?
2. What did I do today that helped my spouse to feel loved, valued, appreciated, and special?
If you did nothing today in your answers to part 'A', nor part 'B', take action right now!
• There are 3 key pieces you should know and implement to experience a successful marriage.
• There are 3 key pieces you should know and implement to feel truly connected to your spouse and your spouse connected to you.
• There are 3 key pieces you should know and implement so you can play an active role in the ongoing development of having a healthy, happy, loving, and bonded relationship.
The 3 key pieces you should know and implement with your spouse are:
1. Emotional Intimacy
2. Physical Intimacy
3. Sexual Intimacy
Within these 3 key pieces you must have active communication with your spouse. Without communication within each of these 3 key pieces the relationship declines over time. With communication you open the door each day to a relationship that has the opportunity to grow in each of the 3 important marital areas of intimacy.
BEFORE you even think of swinging, ensure that your relationship is on very solid ground.
Swinging may enhance a good relationship, but it WILL NEVER FIX A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP...!!
Lastly, DON'T EVER, EVER BULLY YOUR PARTNER INTO SWINGING...!!
Quote by looking4fun2
....... Here are some questions you need to ask yourself and your partner with regard to your own relationship and your own individual feelings, before you entertain the prospect of swinging.
...... If a couple gets caught up in emotions or allows other people to fill in the relational gaps, things will spiral down at an amazing speed. There needs to be constant communication to identify if the Lifestyle is taking up too much time and not giving enough time for couple to develop and enhance their relationship. There maybe times to pull out (no pun) for awhile.
Remember, swinging is recreational sex. All these playmates are just toys you can not buy in a store. Some couples go bowling for fun and recreation. Swingers enjoy sex. What is best about that is, the balls are always the right size and you do not have to wear someone else's shoes. As with any hobby if you obsess over it, you have a problem.
....... Bottom line: If a relationship is solid the Lifestyle seems to enhance it. If a relationship is suffering, any kind of stress will complicate things, bring issues to the surface and could bend it to the breaking point. Do not let the swinging lifestyle define who you are as an individual or a couple. One lady told me 'we are not swingers; we are a couple who swings.' Couples who have the degree of confidence and complicity to enjoy the lifestyle together are very lucky indeed.
Once you learn that the lifestyle is not all about sexual gratification, when you develop friendships with other couples, you will share memories, laughter and your relationship will grow. Since this topic is brought up time and time again by new couples, let's hear from some veteran swingers. Give us your story and let others know how you are doing and what your successes are.
I really enjoyed reading this! I pick up that you are taking this serious - I would like to believe that as a single participator (in our couple) and respecter of all ladies, I'm serious too.
Although this topic are revived quite regularly on these fora (and I don't want to start another!
) I do see that you are married - are you a couple that swing? Do you see yourself (single) as a swinger?So what I'm trying to do is to take the information above and try and see the heart of the author - it could be that you are doing this as a professional than from personal experience! (This is not to incriminate but rather to educate all the wannabe swingers!)
Because I have been thinking a bit on an interesting related dynamic and trying to identify the key "issue" that lies behind the general 'dislike' or 'disinterest' that a lot of couples have for married "singles" that are swinging alone and without their partner's permission.
I think that during another exercise of discussion around relational issues in the context of my coaching, I might have stumbled onto the answer:
It really boils down to respect. We talk a lot on here about the need for respect, it has almost become a buzz-word, but we really don't define what me mean by this, so here's my effort in clarification; swinging without your partner's knowledge and permission is a fundamentally disrespectful thing to do, to the one key individual in your life to whom you have declared your love & respect for, publicly, binding them to yourself and therefore affecting them essentially with your every choice, action and word from that point onward.
NOTE: I am referring to the actual hooking up, not talking about it online, although I would say that even this is walking a very fine line on the issue.
Now I must admit, I do place more importance on actual marriage commitments in this statement, but if you have ever made a declaration of this sort to your partner, I bet you they will agree with me (if you are brave enough to ask them).
Now, take step back and consider the prospective couple you wish to meet:
All of us want respect, I expect there is a thought process here that goes something like this, even if it isn't a very conscious one.
"If he/she disrespects and disregards the well being of his/her own partner in this way, well I am very uncomfortable about allowing this person the opportunity to disrespect me or my partner.. I think we will find someone else"
I wonder, what do you think? A possibility?
Quote by Gerrie2012Gerrie, first and foremost, my wife and I both enjoy the lifestyle, and had some awesome times. But, as I am the one with the higher level of sexuality, she actually sat me down and told me that she want to drop out of the scene for various reasons, one of which is a health issue. So, due to the fact that she cannot, at this stage fulfill me sexually, she gave me permission to play. That being said, I'm still a married man playing solo, and as some of my friends here know, my evenings and weekends belong to my wife and kids. Should I play, it will never be during their time.
I really enjoyed reading this! I pick up that you are taking this serious - I would like to believe that as a single participator (in our couple) and respecter of all ladies, I'm serious too.
Although this topic are revived quite regularly on these fora (and I don't want to start another!
So what I'm trying to do is to take the information above and try and see the heart of the author - it could be that you are doing this as a professional than from personal experience! (This is not to incriminate but rather to educate all the wannabe swingers!)
Secondly, you are correct in your assumption about the education of wannabe swingers. I'm no professional, but do have a Masters Degree from the School of Life. Swinging is all about the sex and has nothing to do with love. Love and lust never keep the same company...!!
It is important to realize that there are certain truths regarding the lifestyle that are essential to know, understand and adhere to BEFORE you enter the lifestyle, as it has the potential to literally fuck up a "good" relationship. It is a general misconception amongst couples that they are in a good relationship. Unfortunately, not everybody always are...!! Their may be numerous issues just under the surface of all that marital "tranquility"...
Personally I would much rather see 5000 less possible playmates that hear of 1 relationship that went south because of swinging. Why?? Simple actually, the lifestyle get a bad rap because of insecure relationships which should never even have entertained the swinger idea before fixing their personal issues.
The two main things to remember are:-
1. You cannot play rugby on the rules that govern soccer, and
2. If you are not a good dancer, don't invite the "devil" to a dancing contest.
Quote by MattLeeECLeeEC, I fully agree with you.
Because I have been thinking a bit on an interesting related dynamic and trying to identify the key "issue" that lies behind the general 'dislike' or 'disinterest' that a lot of couples have for married "singles" that are swinging alone and without their partner's permission.
I think that during another exercise of discussion around relational issues in the context of my coaching, I might have stumbled onto the answer:
It really boils down to respect. We talk a lot on here about the need for respect, it has almost become a buzz-word, but we really don't define what me mean by this, so here's my effort in clarification; swinging without your partner's knowledge and permission is a fundamentally disrespectful thing to do, to the one key individual in your life to whom you have declared your love & respect for, publicly, binding them to yourself and therefore affecting them essentially with your every choice, action and word from that point onward.
NOTE: I am referring to the actual hooking up, not talking about it online, although I would say that even this is walking a very fine line on the issue.
Now I must admit, I do place more importance on actual marriage commitments in this statement, but if you have ever made a declaration of this sort to your partner, I bet you they will agree with me (if you are brave enough to ask them).
Now, take step back and consider the prospective couple you wish to meet:
All of us want respect, I expect there is a thought process here that goes something like this, even if it isn't a very conscious one.
"If he/she disrespects and disregards the well being of his/her own partner in this way, well I am very uncomfortable about allowing this person the opportunity to disrespect me or my partner.. I think we will find someone else"
I wonder, what do you think? A possibility?
Any person who play solo without the specific consent of their partner, is nothing more than a cheater. If such a solo playing person cannot respect the emotional, physical, sexual, intellectual and financial integrity of his/her own relationship, how could they possibly declare / state that they will respect the rules of their playmates or the lifestyle in general.
And, when that bubble of infidelity finally burst (and it always does) how many people do you, undercover cheater, want to take down with you...??
Quote by looking4fun2
I really enjoyed reading this! I pick up that you are taking this serious - I would like to believe that as a single participator (in our couple) and respecter of all ladies, I'm serious too.
Although this topic are revived quite regularly on these fora (and I don't want to start another!
So what I'm trying to do is to take the information above and try and see the heart of the author - it could be that you are doing this as a professional than from personal experience! (This is not to incriminate but rather to educate all the wannabe swingers!)
Gerrie, first and foremost, my wife and I both enjoy the lifestyle, and had some awesome times. But, as I am the one with the higher level of sexuality, she actually sat me down and told me that she want to drop out of the scene for various reasons, one of which is a health issue. So, due to the fact that she cannot, at this stage fulfill me sexually, she gave me permission to play. That being said, I'm still a married man playing solo, and as some of my friends here know, my evenings and weekends belong to my wife and kids. Should I play, it will never be during their time.
...
Thanks for this response as I couldn't pick this up reading between the lines, as well as your profile write up. Much appreciated.
Taking the similarities and see how you guys handled it, showed me a way to address my 'not so unique' challenges!
Quote by Gerrie2012Gerrie, the first prize and ultimate aim in this lifestyle isn't the sex!! It's building lasting relationships - some of them may become play partners, others may just remain friends. But, sex is the bonus...
Taking the similarities and see how you guys handled it, showed me a way to address my 'not so unique' challenges!
Quote by looking4fun2Gerrie, the first prize and ultimate aim in this lifestyle isn't the sex!! It's building lasting relationships - some of them may become play partners, others may just remain friends. But, sex is the bonus...
Taking the similarities and see how you guys handled it, showed me a way to address my 'not so unique' challenges!
Thx!
Exactly! That's the 1st prize I going for!
"Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife". Is his wife being coveted if he knows about it? With the divorce rate over 50% and the rate of infidelity being even higher at 66%, I have begun to wonder about the reality of monogamy. There has always been talk about men not being made for monogamy, but they are not the only ones getting caught with their hands in the cookie jar. Women are also going outside of the marital relationship. Keeping this in mind, I thought I would take on the subject of cheating versus an alternate lifestyle (i.e. open relationship (polygamy), swinging).
I am a firm believer of honesty in a committed relationship. This includes being honest about your desire to be with someone else. I figure that I would rather have the opportunity to make an informed decision about my partner being with someone else versus being slapped in the face with the pain of infidelity. So I say to my wife, "If you want to have sex with someone else, lets talk about it". My friends think that I am crazy and guys tells me this strategy won't ever work because most women would not grant their men the same privilege. Well maybe they won't, but let's talk about it anyway.
Cheating just doesn't make sense. Even if a person is never discovered, an act of infidelity changes things. There is now a secret in the relationship that is forever being hidden. If the infidelity is discovered, it most certainly will spoil the relationship. While it may not be forever ruined, recovering from the betrayal of infidelity can be extremely challenging.
Swinging and polygamous relationships offer a twist on the traditional idea of marriage. Some refer to it as "new age" but polygamy dates back to biblical times. Evidence of multiple partners can be seen in literature, artwork, religion and history dating back centuries. So this is nothing new, although it maybe a new alternative for you.
It is important to understand the distinction between swinging and open relationships. Swinging is a term used to define a situation where singles and couples in an exclusive relationship seek out sexual partners primarily for the purpose of pleasure. In this situation, the relationship is not the focus. Sometimes people hook-up spontaneously and randomly, while at other times there are social gatherings designed to encourage recreational sex.
In open relationships, committed partners support the idea of individual freedom. They stress the importance of being open to allowing a person to explore any and all aspects of oneself, including their sexuality. One line of thought suggests that a person's love capacity is infinite. Therefore, even loving someone else while married is not a betrayal of the marital union. Some believe that it may even support it. The ability to approximate your "authentic self" manifests as a sense on personal security and joy that you are able to share with others, especially your spouse.
It is important when considering swinging or open relationships that the foundation of monogamy has been strongly established. Many people speak freely about their open marriage and the importance of the foundation of monogamy. They assert that polygamy is not the answer to marital problems. Instead you must first cultivate a "relationship with one". I believe that this starts first with the relationship you have with "self" and then with that significant "other". Know who you are and what you want, be willing to ask for it, and seek it.
As I have contemplated this idea of open relationships for years, I've always thought about the rules or boundaries that would be necessary. After researching the topic this does not seem to apply. In a marital union, this relationship is primary; any decisions made, including those involving other partners, must not threaten its' security. This is the rule.
In swinging, there may be rules depending on individual preferences, but again the primary rule is about the security of the individual and couple. In this, physical safety is assumed. Therefore, the choices that are made must take into consideration personal risk. This may help to explain why the swinging community provides social opportunities that support the lifestyle. It allows people to express oneself freely in the context of a safe environment. No it is not just about one big sex party, but it is one big sex party!
Most people are confused about the difference between polyamory, polygamy, swingers, and cheating.
Polyamory refers to having more than one, simultaneous, committed relationship where all parties know about the other and consent to the set-up. Polygamy refers to being married to multiple people at the same time. Swinging is when a committed couple engages in casual sex with persons outside of their relationship with the consent, and sometimes inclusion, of both parties. Cheating is sneaking around behind your partner's back. I can't think of anyone (polyamorous, polygamous, or swinger) that condones that kind of behavior.
How do you know which flavor you're dealing with? Simple.
1. If you are dating more than one person at the same time, and both parties know about it and are okay with it - you're in a polyamorous relationship. This is actually called a "V" relationship.
2. If you and your partner are both dating a third person at the same time - you're in what is called a triad.
3. If you and/or your partner have sex with someone, but don't date them, and you've done so with the consent from all parties involved - you're swingers. Most threesomes fall into this category.
4. If you are married to more than one person at the same time- that's polygamy.
5. If you and/or your partner are seeing another person behind your partner's back- that's cheating.
Sex vs Relationships: Swing is generally more about recreational sex and polyamory is more about loving relationships. In swinging, friendship is usually the deepest emotional connection that a couple allows with others (and that isn't a requirement for all swingers). Polyamory usually involves deeply emotional connections (love) with multiple people, and sex can (and usually is) an integral part of those relationships. Swinging is more like friends with benefits, whereas polyamory is more along the lines of having multiple boyfriends, girlfriends or spouses. In polyamory, you open yourself up to falling in LOVE with more than one person at a time. In swing, that's usually pretty threatening to the core couple.
Monogamy vs. Non-monogamy: Swinging, in many ways is still monogamously based. While sexual fidelity isn't a part of that monogamy... swinging is very couple-centric. A couple goes into it knowing that neither of them will fall for another person any more emotionally than friendship. Swinging is viewed as safe and non-threatening to the couple's emotionally monogamous relationship. Polyamory usually isn't approached from a couple-centric place. While couples may both date (even date the same person)... the relationships are viewed as individual relationships. In polyamory, you're much more an individual than identified with your relationship structure.
Discreet vs. "Out": Swinging is usually a discreet activity that a couple does in secret - whereas polyamorous relationship are part of every day life, and not an activity done from time to time. Usually polyamorous relationships are long term, and have a very regular component to them (daily/weekly, etc.). Polyamorous people usually have a desire to be "out" about their relationships (even if they can't be realistically) - because the people they're involved with hold a very important place in their lives and heart - equivalent to a spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend. Poly people tend to want their partners to be with them for for major events - holidays, weddings, funerals, company picnics, etc. - as well as part of their every day life - grocery shopping, movies, hanging out, etc.
Personally I think that South African swingers are more poly orientated than what they claim to be.
Why...??
Because of the strong bonds that they form between the playing partners which eventually become something very close to an exclusive emotionally closed group.
Call it what you like, "clicking", "chemistry", etc. the bonds that are being formed are not just friendly for recreational sex purposes, but rather long term relationships where playing partners actually care deeply for each other...
(re-blogged)
Quote by looking4fun2
Oh damn, there goes my chances with you, hey...?? :sad:
Actually there is a proviso is that the "single" HAS PERMISSION.
That wouldn't be cheating. My hubby gives me permission. There is respect in that arrangement.
That is very different from swinging single while deceitfully hiding the behaviour from the person you've committed to share your life with!
Quote by MattLeeECYou are right of course...
Actually there is a proviso is that the "single" HAS PERMISSION.
That wouldn't be cheating. My hubby gives me permission. There is respect in that arrangement.
That is very different from swinging single while deceitfully hiding the behaviour from the person you've committed to share your life with!
Respect, for some a building block, for most unfortunately, a huge stumbling block...!!
Interesting subject
We were in a polyamorous relationship for some years
A close friend moved in with us and into our bed
It was beautiful waking up with the bed rocking
I tell you she was one very satisfied lady
Got some strange looks as we travelled around and booked into one room
It was a loving arrangement that worked out very well until his family duties took preferance
Quote by MattLeeEC
"If he/she disrespects and disregards the well being of his/her own partner in this way, well I am very uncomfortable about allowing this person the opportunity to disrespect me or my partner.. I think we will find someone else"
I wonder, what do you think? A possibility?
Hear hear. I second that.
Mr Sin
Its an interesting and conflicting subject with many couples. I don't see any detailed responses from the so called "Single Swingers" or "Married men playing without consent". I am one of these, so allow me to put some perspective on the subject from the opposite side.
I fully agree with the fact that this type of play is cheating or a form of cheating - lets not argue that point. I don't view myself as a swinger per say, in fact i'm not sure what i would call myself, I'll leave that up to the swinger community out there to judge on. Do I consider what I'm doing to be wrong, well yes but only in terms of what is socially acceptable and in the eyes of my partner. In my mind i have certain needs in life that are not being fulfilled by my partner, and I emphasize "Certain" these all fall into the realm of sex. Everything else in my life work / social / sport / kids / family / mental health etc etc, i'm more than content with.
I come from a middle class upbringing in an era where there was no internet, porn was banned, Gay's were still in the closet and we all went along with our lives under the rules of what was socially acceptable. We went to school, got a girlfriend or 2 or 3, got married, built a family, brought our kids up, stayed married no matter what, all because this is what society expects of us. So i'm now 55 been married 29 years and been with the same woman for over 30 years. when we started dating, everything was perfect, we ended up getting married and having kids, and still things were perfect and exactly what society expects from us. So what changed and what happened to this picture perfect marriage that brought me to this place where I have a need to play around. I mean this is cheating, this could cause unimaginable problems for many people in my life. I've really done a lot of soul searching on this because no husband or father wants this to happen unless of course hes a real shit, and there are many out there.
Well i have isolated the reason to only one aspect of my life and its SEX. What is it that i'm not getting ?, because its not that we do not have sex anymore, its more a question of variety and what my wants and needs are as apposed to what my partners wants and needs are at our current time in our relationship. Our world has become such a small place with the advent of freely available information that I realized a number years ago that there were certain things deep in my psyche that i wanted to experience and were no longer part of my relationship, these needs I have always suppressed as maybe a phase which would pass. At the beginning of our relationship I Introduced these needs on a subtle level with the greatest respect to my partner those that didn't interest her I let pass and considered well it would take more time and those that were totally not part of what she wanted were thrown in the dustbin. So we found common ground of what satisfied us and what we were both comfortable with. If things were the same today, I wouldn't be here writing this. As our relationship grew, we had a family, wife stopped being a wife and became a mother, I never let this be a problem as I accepted that this is how life works, but I always lived with the excitement that one day it would return i needed to have patience, well I was wrong, my partner changed the rules without discussing it with me or giving reason. I still today after many discussions with her I have never got a proper explanation or been able to put my finger on it. And just for the record I have never screwed around or played the field up to this point so that could not be the reason. In all my discussions I clearly told her that this was causing problems in our marriage, her attitude was well we'll work through them, which very soon became clear that i was the one who would need to work through them. she clearly does not realize or want to realize the magnitude of the problem. Today its just not up for discussion.
I respect anyone's opinion or reasoning behind their actions or decisions in life. With proper explanation and reasoning on my partners side I would probably have a different outlook on what i'm doing. My partner on the other hand has not reciprocated the same. My partner was making judgmental calls on my thoughts without looking at it from my perspective. I approached these subjects like any educated person would through proper communication, opening my mind and understanding as well as respecting their opinions. I tried on many occasions to subtly re-introduce my needs and kinks into our sex life again after our kids left home and we had more time to ourselves, on the few occasions she played along I realized they were certainly not into it anymore and simply going through the motions and the sooner it was over the better, this is not my idea of a good thing in the bedroom and just leads to silent animosity and a feeling that i'm forcing the issue on her once again. A perfect example (not wanting to air all the laundry here) was anal sex, I wanted to try it which my partner agreed with some reluctance (I think most woman would be reluctant the first time) we tried it and she actually enjoyed it, it became part of our sex life for 3 - 4 years. not all the time, mainly when the mood was right, I always let her set the mood and never became pushy. Then it ended like a light switch with no explanation, I tried to discuss it with her, no reason other than it wasn't on the menu anymore - Exactly the same happened with the few sex toys we played with for years.
So in a nutshell our sex life has gone from very exciting to very vanilla and I mean very very vanilla - the saying "she has the pussy so she makes the rules" is certainly not just a saying, it is actually the rule of law in the bedroom. but where does this leave me and others like me. We don't have a switch that can be simply flipped when the rules change. We will eventually stop suppressing our needs at huge risk and go out and look elsewhere to satisfy them. Women may have the pussy and make the rules, but many don't accept that men are natural born hunters and simply not satisfying their needs will also lead to them wandering off into other hunting grounds where they shouldn't really be. so I suppose this is where i find myself now. On SH looking to chat and meet up with people who share my interests and kinks.
I'm not here to be judged as i don't judge others against what they want or need. So if single women or couples that don't play with people like me, or detest people like me then they should make this very clear in their profile and we won't try contact or friend request you. But please don't judge us as you don't know the circumstances we find ourselves in. I suppose there are many married guys on here that simply want a 1 night NSA fuck, but not all of us are from this group. Many of us are certainly very respectful of our partners and our marriages as well as your lifestyles in fact i think all of you are in a very fortunate relationship to be doing what you do together and you have my utmost respect. I would love this to be my partnership but I know after many years of marriage that this will clearly will never happen unless i divorce and seek out a new partner specifically with these interests, I have never even thought of divorce or ever leaving my wife, as risky as i am being and at the possible expense of being caught and ending up getting divorced, I still have this need to experience things in my life.
I was once asked - If you respect your marriage, your partner and your family so much, how do you justify what you doing with your own conscious - Well in my way of thinking whilst it is termed as cheating and wrong i see it as simply satisfying a deep down need of which I will never be emotionally attached to the person i'm doing it with. If I ever got emotionally attached, that would become an affair. which I've never or will ever have. If that should happen then i'll get divorced in a heartbeat. For me its just sex !
Some on this site say they demand utmost respect and go further in stating "If a married person cannot respect his partner or marriage then how can they respect a swinger couple" - People ! that is such a shallow statement. Surely you can think up of a better reason for not wanting to play with a married person. EG. "You don't want t be part of the potential breakup of a marriage if he or she is caught". Its got nothing to do with not having respect. I have the highest regard and respect for my partner, even though she doesn't respect my wants and needs in the bedroom.
I wrote this not looking for justification or approval its wrong and its cheating this we won't deny, but in many cases, unjustified or not, there are deep underlying reasons behind it. All we ask is not to be judged too quickly, and allowed space that we won't get anywhere else to venture out into your world
As long as this piece is, it's well worth a read. Well stated and you speak for many a single guy on the site.
In my personal instance the wife has gone off sex because of her skin problems. She simply just don't enjoy it anymore. Other than the sex, our lives are "perfect" but telling her is not an option because she would rather I divorce her.
So Sir, I salute your contribution to this debate.
Quote by zodiacsa
Its an interesting and conflicting subject with many couples. I don't see any detailed responses from the so called "Single Swingers" or "Married men playing without consent". I am one of these, so allow me to put some perspective on the subject from the opposite side.
I fully agree with the fact that this type of play is cheating or a form of cheating - lets not argue that point. I don't view myself as a swinger per say, in fact i'm not sure what i would call myself, I'll leave that up to the swinger community out there to judge on. Do I consider what I'm doing to be wrong, well yes but only in terms of what is socially acceptable and in the eyes of my partner. In my mind i have certain needs in life that are not being fulfilled by my partner, and I emphasize "Certain" these all fall into the realm of sex. Everything else in my life work / social / sport / kids / family / mental health etc etc, i'm more than content with.
I come from a middle class upbringing in an era where there was no internet, porn was banned, Gay's were still in the closet and we all went along with our lives under the rules of what was socially acceptable. We went to school, got a girlfriend or 2 or 3, got married, built a family, brought our kids up, stayed married no matter what, all because this is what society expects of us. So i'm now 55 been married 29 years and been with the same woman for over 30 years. when we started dating, everything was perfect, we ended up getting married and having kids, and still things were perfect and exactly what society expects from us. So what changed and what happened to this picture perfect marriage that brought me to this place where I have a need to play around. I mean this is cheating, this could cause unimaginable problems for many people in my life. I've really done a lot of soul searching on this because no husband or father wants this to happen unless of course hes a real shit, and there are many out there.
Well i have isolated the reason to only one aspect of my life and its SEX. What is it that i'm not getting ?, because its not that we do not have sex anymore, its more a question of variety and what my wants and needs are as apposed to what my partners wants and needs are at our current time in our relationship. Our world has become such a small place with the advent of freely available information that I realized a number years ago that there were certain things deep in my psyche that i wanted to experience and were no longer part of my relationship, these needs I have always suppressed as maybe a phase which would pass. At the beginning of our relationship I Introduced these needs on a subtle level with the greatest respect to my partner those that didn't interest her I let pass and considered well it would take more time and those that were totally not part of what she wanted were thrown in the dustbin. So we found common ground of what satisfied us and what we were both comfortable with. If things were the same today, I wouldn't be here writing this. As our relationship grew, we had a family, wife stopped being a wife and became a mother, I never let this be a problem as I accepted that this is how life works, but I always lived with the excitement that one day it would return i needed to have patience, well I was wrong, my partner changed the rules without discussing it with me or giving reason. I still today after many discussions with her I have never got a proper explanation or been able to put my finger on it. And just for the record I have never screwed around or played the field up to this point so that could not be the reason. In all my discussions I clearly told her that this was causing problems in our marriage, her attitude was well we'll work through them, which very soon became clear that i was the one who would need to work through them. she clearly does not realize or want to realize the magnitude of the problem. Today its just not up for discussion.
I respect anyone's opinion or reasoning behind their actions or decisions in life. With proper explanation and reasoning on my partners side I would probably have a different outlook on what i'm doing. My partner on the other hand has not reciprocated the same. My partner was making judgmental calls on my thoughts without looking at it from my perspective. I approached these subjects like any educated person would through proper communication, opening my mind and understanding as well as respecting their opinions. I tried on many occasions to subtly re-introduce my needs and kinks into our sex life again after our kids left home and we had more time to ourselves, on the few occasions she played along I realized they were certainly not into it anymore and simply going through the motions and the sooner it was over the better, this is not my idea of a good thing in the bedroom and just leads to silent animosity and a feeling that i'm forcing the issue on her once again. A perfect example (not wanting to air all the laundry here) was anal sex, I wanted to try it which my partner agreed with some reluctance (I think most woman would be reluctant the first time) we tried it and she actually enjoyed it, it became part of our sex life for 3 - 4 years. not all the time, mainly when the mood was right, I always let her set the mood and never became pushy. Then it ended like a light switch with no explanation, I tried to discuss it with her, no reason other than it wasn't on the menu anymore - Exactly the same happened with the few sex toys we played with for years.
So in a nutshell our sex life has gone from very exciting to very vanilla and I mean very very vanilla - the saying "she has the pussy so she makes the rules" is certainly not just a saying, it is actually the rule of law in the bedroom. but where does this leave me and others like me. We don't have a switch that can be simply flipped when the rules change. We will eventually stop suppressing our needs at huge risk and go out and look elsewhere to satisfy them. Women may have the pussy and make the rules, but many don't accept that men are natural born hunters and simply not satisfying their needs will also lead to them wandering off into other hunting grounds where they shouldn't really be. so I suppose this is where i find myself now. On SH looking to chat and meet up with people who share my interests and kinks.
I'm not here to be judged as i don't judge others against what they want or need. So if single women or couples that don't play with people like me, or detest people like me then they should make this very clear in their profile and we won't try contact or friend request you. But please don't judge us as you don't know the circumstances we find ourselves in. I suppose there are many married guys on here that simply want a 1 night NSA fuck, but not all of us are from this group. Many of us are certainly very respectful of our partners and our marriages as well as your lifestyles in fact i think all of you are in a very fortunate relationship to be doing what you do together and you have my utmost respect. I would love this to be my partnership but I know after many years of marriage that this will clearly will never happen unless i divorce and seek out a new partner specifically with these interests, I have never even thought of divorce or ever leaving my wife, as risky as i am being and at the possible expense of being caught and ending up getting divorced, I still have this need to experience things in my life.
I was once asked - If you respect your marriage, your partner and your family so much, how do you justify what you doing with your own conscious - Well in my way of thinking whilst it is termed as cheating and wrong i see it as simply satisfying a deep down need of which I will never be emotionally attached to the person i'm doing it with. If I ever got emotionally attached, that would become an affair. which I've never or will ever have. If that should happen then i'll get divorced in a heartbeat. For me its just sex !
Some on this site say they demand utmost respect and go further in stating "If a married person cannot respect his partner or marriage then how can they respect a swinger couple" - People ! that is such a shallow statement. Surely you can think up of a better reason for not wanting to play with a married person. EG. "You don't want t be part of the potential breakup of a marriage if he or she is caught". Its got nothing to do with not having respect. I have the highest regard and respect for my partner, even though she doesn't respect my wants and needs in the bedroom.
I wrote this not looking for justification or approval its wrong and its cheating this we won't deny, but in many cases, unjustified or not, there are deep underlying reasons behind it. All we ask is not to be judged too quickly, and allowed space that we won't get anywhere else to venture out into your world
