hi there
on your first question i think where the swing kills the relationship the answer is maybe the communication between the cpl involved is not right or they are doing it for the wrong reason. if a person does swing there must be GOOD communication and it must be done to spice up ones sex life and not to see if the other person does it better than your husband or wife. it must be fun and not a competition.
well just an idea
Will try to find the book
I also agree with Joyrider, it must be for both the partners, I found my wife because she is playfull and adresses my needs by fulfilling her needs and we both know what the other wants
Last week I took her son for a drive so that she would be alone at home when a lover came around, that turns me on as well not only her
No no, you all misunderstand entirely. I am not really interested in the individual relationships, but rather the individuals involved and each person's unique psychological aspects and the part that those play in the process. I don't believe that even the best communication will make any difference to a person's psychological make up and related specific issues.
My question was not why does swinging not work. The answer to that is obvious, as you have all pointed out.
The question REALLY is, "Why does it do amazing things for some marriages"?
Now that is a question that is worth getting the answer to!
As a species, we are far too negatively focussed, the answers to my first post illustrate this perfectly. Instead of asking how do we avoid the BAD outcomes, we should focus completely and totally on achieving the best possible outcome and on all the steps and information, principles and practices that will get us there, with the least cost and the most benefit (this of course is all completely straight from my personally coaching manual).
To get the best from life, or love, or sex, or swinging for that matter, one needs to shift the focus from what could go wrong to everything that could go very right!
This author offers great insights into why we are who we are, and why we want what we want, AND if you thought you were strange in being or wanting those things, well he puts that idea right to bed. He will even help you come to terms with those vanillas who would think you are odd, and indeed even clarify why some people struggle in their marriages and sex lives and why we are attracted to certain people, and why behaviours like swinging are perfectly acceptable ways to fulfill such sexual needs as we might have.
And he does touch on communication, though, once you read it, you will realise that even the best communicators amongst us, do a Damn poor job of really articulating our true desires. We simply feel there is too much to lose by revealing our whole selves.
For those wives who struggle to understand the pull of porn for their men, or men in general, there is some great insight into that issue too.. I have a lot more understanding and sympathy for those struggling with this issue now.
Go read , I got it on Amazon
Twelve intelligences? And what are they, if you don't mind listing them?
There is an educationalist, Sir Ken Robinson, who did a "TED talk" on redesigning the educational system around aptitudes (or intelligences) like this - check it out - go to and search for him.
Thanks for the list, that is super useful!
Only the first 5 are developed during the 12 years at school!
@LeeEC (with MattEC looking over your shoulder)
Share your impressions on the 2 Q's? Although you started this post just to recommend a book to get better insights on the Why's and How's of the lifestyle. I'm actually curious to hear what you picked up - I feel as if this post is hanging in the air so to speak!
Ok well I will need to sit and re-read a few pieces because I have trouble separating the info from this specific book out of my vast mental libraries.
The one thing I did want to share which particularly interested me was the aspect he discusses about why we are attracted to certain people. He explores the idea that we may in fact be able to devine things sub-conciously (as we do on a biological level) from a person's features and body. We already know (from psychological and biological studies) that we can sub-conciously identify compatible psychological/biological aspects of a person from smell (immune system type) and physical attributes (the more symmetrical a person the more complete their development and the less likely they will have genetic 'errors' to pass on to offspring).
De Botton suggests that we could just as easily be able to "read" psychological and character traits in a person's face and factor these into our assessment of an individual's attractiveness to us.
He draws a comparison for our taste in people to our taste for art or particular flavours or smells. Each as individual and unique as the person themselves. He suggests that the characteristics that we might be attracted to are specific to our own personalities (making up for our own lack) or with reference to our specific childhood or past relational experiences (filling a 'missing' hole or looking for familiar and pleasant sameness).
I will go back and give you some other notes on the insights he offered.
Cheers!
Thanx for the rational ,instructive and very interesting thread. I like your orderly method, of keeping ur thoughts focused to a specific topic....
Ja u creating an opportunity to analyse this FUNDAMENTALLY....
(clearly not many people are inclined to take the time and effort to go through such an exercise...but I am sure the fruit will be most fruitful and satisfying
U say or quote " As a species, we are far too negatively focussed,..."
My first question (accepting it as a true trait or reflection of the human species...without conceding it as necessarily totally correct... I will have to think this thoroughly through...later)
For myself ja seems it's right...always 1001 reservations,procrastinations,fears...etc before one acts.....So according to your if one is too cautious, time and opportunities will pass u by...boy oh boy and on reflection did (and don't) they...!!!
Why are we so cautious...? why are we so unsure???
Is it human nature? an inherent characteristic.....is it the influence of some religions...??? The damning of human nature and acts flowing from it...? Created as fucked being....? :sad: YOU MUST REPENT...CHANGE..(mostly things that cannot change....) so refrain from being a free natural,totally normal human being... and apologise profoundly for being such a fucked being...and THANK ur creator for being so fucked....especially say thanx for the second chance u get each time...
Are we not bliksemed (brainwashed with help of threats of everlasting damnation) into being APOLOGETIC at all times...."excuse me for the the fact of being born...."
OR is the atheistic godless part of the species also so pessimistic and negative as well ....???
If I know the cause of this hampering trait I will more easily eradicate it....
Why do swinging enhance a relationship.....?
Aristotle termed us social animals....when I was young I was cross about being called an animal...who the f...is this primitive Greek sitting in the dust and dirt to say such a thing...(sorry but that's the picture always coming into my head about those most respected talented and very, clever fundamental thinkers....)
Well well was he not right.....!!! (years and years and much skande en skade later....)the insight started filtering through..
We LOVE socialising...in ALL forms....
Intimate communication (of which sex is but one..) is very fullfilling and gratifies he senses...
Human species are not created to be monogamous.....
People are by nature inclined to be insecure if someone else get involved in the sacred union of marraige/or fixed relationship...
Female may lose her total source of material support...(that is general statement,and there ARE MANY exceptions...before certain farreaching amendments to divorce legislation the poor women came short virtually always...there are many reasons, most important she being the one that carries and raises the offspring On paper women are better protected today but still very vulnerable materialisticly...
Swinging break the monotamy and boredom of monogamy...
SO I know that many more women NEED to get some supplementary socialiising on intimate aspects...but MOST can NEVER dare it...
Women by the way according to my observation are generally far more analytical and practical in their thinking and actions than men..(ja they even make good mechanics should they so wish.. ..!! but THAT is tiny part of what I am referring to..)I see women as few grades above men IQ wise...(again GENERAL statement..)
So many women are being kept ""in place" by intimidation and threats by some not so clever ""head of the house"...
But deep inside each and everyone will be more happy if there could be more wide intimate socialising..
As long as one of the partners does not feel threatened or insecure.
So ja it is totally natural to swing.....
And lastly and that will be enough for now....The skew attitude that if women get intimate (on whatever level) with another man she is a SLUT...and if a male does it he is a MAN...get thrown out of the window in swinging....because the swinging male is more intelligent and has more insight than convention ordains for females...
Again thnx mrs Thinker.....
A I missing the boat u busy constructing...? AmI SpOTT off???
Where and why.....? I would love ur insights,thoughts and provocations plse...
Regards.
I downloaded the e-book and busy reading,Before I comment.
So far I like SpOTT `s comment
So I proceeded to Read... Verociously and in great volume!
Some of the key questions I have in terms of our relationship specifically, was the question of a) why swinging does amazing things for certain marriages and why it kills others, and b) the psychology of voyerism, as I don't "get" why that is a turn on, even if I don't mind participating.
I recently finished reading a short but fascinating book which answered, very clearly, some of my questions, I highly recommend How to think more about sex, by Alain de Botton
It was great, easy reading and I was enthralled by the window into the psychology of sex and "deviance" which it offered.
Great stuff! 
:dunno::dunno::dunno::dunno:
ops: :oops:
