Old Joke forum got to lengthy.
Of color jokes....
I went to the doctor to get my testicles checked out,while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently,
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said,
"Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said,
"I haven't got an erection!"
She replied,
"No, but I have!"
A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts trying to breast feed her baby.
The baby wasn't suckling to well , so she says,
"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding ,so she says again,
"Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says,
"Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
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New Jokes
Three BFF's talk about their luck and how happy they are!
One said that I'm soooooo lu-cky, twice a year my husband sends me overseas AND I can take a friend with to tour the world as long as I want!
The second friend respond and say that's nothing I'm soooooooo lu-ckyeeee, my husband allows me to stay at our sea cottage as long as I want. There I take long walks along the sea and you must see my shell collection!
The third lady just sat there with twinkling eyes and she start to move forward as if she wants to whisper her luck to her BFF's but the movement change into an quick up and down movement as if in a 'cowgirl' motion, with her hands doing a cooling down movement slightly in front of her face. Then ecstatically she said she is soooooooo lucky that when you go away on holiday I get to entertain your husbands!!
Dirty OR Not... Golf sayings.
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Damn, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Sexlightened
Guy stops at the garage for petrol. There are a couple of tee's lying in his console. Guy filling his car says, pointing at the tee's, what are those for? Owner says those are to put your balls on when you drive off. Petrol guy responds, shit this BMW cars has everything!
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"
The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."
So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.
"Witch,my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.
He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!"
But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again.
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes backin its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic."
He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment.
Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!
Newly weds ......
A corrupt politician reports for his first day in prison.
Upon entering his cell he notices that his cellmate is a gigantic man.
His cellmate stands up, drops his pants and reveils his massive cock.
He says to the poitician. "You're gonna be here for awhile. We're going to be like a married couple.
Do you want to be the husband or the wife?"
The scared newbe looks at the mans monster sized cock and says "Can I be the husband?"
"Sure you can." the man says "Now get over here and suck your wife's cock!"
Orgasminator
Rather delete my joke before someone shit in his pants
Orgasminator
Every one have his own opinion, and you welcome also received it by mail to dum to think it out myself. Perhaps when you older you wil see thats its a joke
Hopefully when I'm older, I will still be able to participate in sexual activity, and not just lie there like a dead person.
(That is what your jokes were about right? How sex with your wife is a masturbatory experience akin to putting lubed up cling wrap between the couch cushions?)
;)
C
Orgasminator
Hope you enjoy the cling wrap
Chinese over the phone to boss "me sick me not come work today"
Boss replies "it's ok, hope you feel better soon, when I don't feel well I go home and make love to my wife"
A while later the phone rings once again.
Chinese to boss "you were right, me feel a whole lot better, you got nice house boss"
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with R2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.
The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.
The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the R2000 in the drawer.
The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.
No fee, Chen Lee.
That's it for now, have a great weekend everyone.
Orgasminator
The legal age in which your allowed sex is 16, the legal age when you may start drinking is 18, has nobody ever sat back and said yes that makes sense. I thought normally drinks where the social catalyst before a night of passion, or are they challenging you to play the game on hard for 2 years before you get the extras.
I mean how often is it that go to a bar and this happens
Him: hey babe, can I buy you a drink
Her: wow slow down dude, let's just have a shag first before you start buying me drinks.
Sex God
Quote by Pussinboots1
Well yeah this is a joke maybe, but for real,sex starts very early....around when puberty sets in.
Just think, your grand grand parents got married at ages 13 to their first kid one year later....and then proceeded to have kids every year after that.
yes, many years ago people used to do a lot of things at a very young age, BUT, back then they had been raised in very hard times, and were way more emotionally mature (and capable) than the majority of people twice their age are today.
Today's society is too much about protecting peoples rights and peoples freedom to choose and and and and . . ... and then someone walks into a school and shoots a bunch of his class mates dead, and the world just says "the poor child is misunderstood" . . . . . just imagine what this world is going to be like in another 10 - 20 years . . . . .
Quote by SDMR
yes, many years ago people used to do a lot of things at a very young age, BUT, back then they had been raised in very hard times, and were way more emotionally mature (and capable) than the majority of people twice their age are today.
I think that times are always hard. I have met some amazingly resilient people from different generations, and some laughably immature people from different generations. I think it is silly to think that because people are born during a certain time, they are more likely to be emotionally mature. People are individuals who respond to situations differently, and understand the world differently. Many people today are struggling with difficulties, some are a reflections of the times such as cyber-bullying and such, and others have the same difficulties that have been affecting people since time began, such as debt related issues....
just my 2c
;)
C
Quote by KC_
I think that times are always hard. I have met some amazingly resilient people from different generations, and some laughably immature people from different generations. I think it is silly to think that because people are born during a certain time, they are more likely to be emotionally mature. People are individuals who respond to situations differently, and understand the world differently. Many people today are struggling with difficulties, some are a reflections of the times such as cyber-bullying and such, and others have the same difficulties that have been affecting people since time began, such as debt related issues....
just my 2c
;)
C
Make that 4c. In my (professional) experience, I would agree entirely that there is no correlation whatsoever between the era one was brought up in and emotional maturity or ability to effectively weather life on planet Earth.
