Chapter 9 Fantasies and Masturbation I have probably fantasized or masturbated, every day or so for the past 35 years. Masturbation, wanking, pulling, jerking off, self-gratification, call it what you want. Under my personal circumstances, masturbation saved me many thousands of rands, which I would have spent on woman, in the hope of getting laid. So we wank, and all the other silly names given to the most natural act on Gods earth. We would fuck ourselves to death if we didn’t have masturbation, besides I am always horny. Some of my fantasies go back to childhood. I have never quite figured out what triggered them, but I suppose, books by Xavier Hollander were my first introduction to all kinds of weird and wonderful stories. In the early days I used to fantasize about being taken to a sex penal colony. All the guards were woman. Beautiful and young, women. Tight leather and lots of ass and tits on show in my fantasies. Of course the prisoners of which I am one, were chained, and naked on a rack. The mistresses, chose you after carefully inspecting your body, cock , balls and asshole. You would then be taken and bathed before fucking the mistress’s brains out. I normally would cum long before the end of these fantasies. Maybe that is where I should have left them, as fantasies! Over the years my fantasies changed dramatically. Later on and during my marriage, there was far less need to fantasise or masturbation, The sex was good and so in the first 7 years of my marriage , I only really had to wank while doing military service or being away from home and then I fantasized about my wife and there were many great memories, places, times I could recall vividly, when dreaming or fantasizing about a woman I truly loved and who loved me unconditionally. Things changed in 1989. I had an affair an office romance and was dually bust, because I could not lie. We were devastated, and although we managed to keep the marriage together after that it was never quite the same. I had broken the trust, partaken of the fruits of a beautiful woman I met through work and who was intelligent, sophisticated, and very beautiful. I fell in love with her the moment I laid eyes on her, and over the course of the next few days, we spent only a few days together. I was in love, and so was she. We made love on the second night and it was the best sex I had ever experienced. I was immature, had only ever loved and made love to one woman, and only had one very brief sexual experience as a teenager. Sexually I was raw, uneducated and learning from my mistakes. There were plenty of those. The woman I met, was even less experienced and yet! She blew my mind with her passion, erotic, sensual love making. After my very brief affair, I fantasised and made love to her many evenings, alone or while in some very strange places. She was a constant companion for years, to cover my own insecurity, which had developed with my wife at the time. We had always had a fantastic sex life prior to my affair, but in the following years I suppose we became estranged for long periods although we stayed married and I never was able to find that unconditional love she had given me prior to my infidelity. Masturbation became a necessary source of relief. It was only after my divorce that I decided to make all my fantasies become a reality for me. I lived out many of my earlier fantasies, like swinging. I can say with all honesty that I still see many of them today, maybe just as friends, or over a cup coffee, but each one held a special place in my heart. I suppose a psychiatrist will tell me and did. I loved and could not let go of anyone. Making love, sex whatever was and remains very sacred to me. So once I have been with a woman , I leave behind a memory, a fantasy that is not forgotten easily. In some cases not forgiven either, but they always remember. Fantasies alone cannot always satisfy a man and so very discrete gentleman’s clubs, escorts and woman of the night play a role in our fantasies and reality. What better place to live out a fantasy with no harm to anyone. Over the years I have met and fucked, some extremely beautiful and intelligent women .A prostitute, escort or working girl, they all have a story to tell. Many of these paid for services left one very well satisfied. Some I went back time and time again and built a relationship with most of these women. I learned how to identify those who I could explore my fantasies fully with and was a regular at some establishments. Until I found a lady who offered full house service were you get showered and changed and had as much sex as you could handle in one hour without question. This would be the barest sexual experience. Often very satisfying and intense. If you could get it up you would get fucked as often as you could get a hard on. I loved it. I also loved the fantasies we played. They also loved toys and taught me a lot about sex and how to please a women. About having a prostrate orgasm and anal sex. Quite an experience having a woman suck your cock while she sticks a finger up your ass and you almost blow her head off you can shoot so strongly. I got to know these often damaged women and was more than a regular John. Some of my later fantasies and periods alone, could bring an array of these beautiful woman to me, for some mind-blowing masturbation. I could say I mastered the art and having many evenings as a single then married and finally divorced male, well the mind can be a huge source of inspiration. Living out my fantasies of course brought even more beautiful woman into my life and some beautiful couples. Forming both single and multiple partner relationships at the same time and using the wonderful world of technology, the Internet, can make your world very different. I made some wonderful friends, both male and female alike. I stopped needing the fantasy and started living my dreams. I probably will always feel the need to masturbate, but now it is for a different reason. I believe we all born with the ability to love, make love and find the ultimate orgasm. I have experienced, all types, shapes and sizes of woman. I have lived out most fantasies written, so will not repeat each and everyone, suffice to say , orgies, threesome, public and group sex, full swinging and soft swinging, bi and straight woman and men, dressing up, bondage and light masochism, exhibitionism and voyeurism, anal and using recreational drugs and alcohol, poppers and stimulants. I live out my fantasies. Masturbation on the other hand is a god given right. Thank god for that. We can be ashamed, secretive and taboo the subject, but we love it. Masturbating to a self made video of you fucking a beautiful person, whether you male or female. I also thank technology and the right to freedom of choice. How narrow minded we as a country were in the 70’s and 80’s while I was growing up, getting married, starting a life under a repressive racist, right wing regime. Pornography and sex were taboo. The best you could do was a scope magazine or a grainy, illegal video of “Debbie does Dallas” Even the books were passed around and we thought Harold Robbins was erotic or Lady Chatterley’s lover, which was erotic. I think most of us learned about sex from books or secrets in the passageway. My first sexual experience at age 16 was a ten second fumbling mess. My first experience with masturbation on the other hand was very early on and pre teen. Is it any wonder then that having been sexually oppressed as a teenager and then getting married at an early age, when I did become a man I wanted to experience , everything a woman could offer and all that I could provide. I started going to massage parlours, escorts and ladies of the night while I was still married. The massage parlours were fun there was no sex , a good massage and a wank from the girl to get release. That’s until I met this one girl at a massage parlour and we spoke and had a Jacuzzi together before she took me to the booth for the customary massage and wank, except that this time the girl fucked me. Lying on my back while she rubbed oil on me and played with my cock She suddenly stripped and climbed onto my cock. With her knees bent she was bouncing on my cock and going wild, She was shuddering and telling me she was cuming, and the way she was gyrating her pussy into me I could see she was having a lot of fun. Whether it was just an act or real I will never know , but I know that when I went back after that she went straight for me and we had a number of repeat performances. After a few times she wanted me to fuck her ass and bending over in the booth I fucked her from behind as she hung onto the bed for dear life. There was no foreplay and very little lubrication, but I fucked her ass anyway. While my first experience with anal sex was not what I expected although I was an experienced lover, by now. This had always been a taboo and for fags and perverts. Well I had a lot to learn and I would become a master at it. So back to fantasies and masturbation. The use of toys, stimulants and recreational and prescribed drugs to increase and prolong a hardon and orgasm, is probably a medical journal on its own and I know is a thriving business. New open-minded approaches to male and female sexuality and open and alternative life styles between consenting adults could not have come sooner for me. I suppose it has always been there, but hidden in morality and over zealous control by Governments around the world. We say stay out of our bedrooms. My masturbation and pre occupation with sex has never been an issue, until I adopted an alternative lifestyle, started to swing and have multiple partners. My pre occupation turned to cleanliness, diseases and taking action to prevent the spread of any disease. Complete cleansing, hair removal and shaving all improved and became a ritual prior to sex. Masturbation and fantasies during these cleansing periods was part of the deal. It would have been a total loss to suffer from premature ejaculation, which I had always had as a young man. I taught myself self-control, and could masturbate for hours before achieving orgasm. I could be in total control and this made me a very experienced and considerate lover. I did live out all my fantasies, one of which has been to be with the “darker” sex, . Experiences with women, from other race groups, from Chinese to African. Visiting Bangkok in one of my stories was living out a fantasy . She was a beautiful Thai girl. Or, my first taste of the forbidden fruit of our oppressed pas was made real . I made love to a black women and she was truly an amazing story. Her partner arranged for me to meet her in a formula one hotel, we had never met before, but we had been communicating via e-mail and sms. She was young going on 21. Absolutely beautiful, tall, dark, fantastic skin and a gorgeous figure. After we had all showered I gave her a full body massage, before going down and tasting her sweet soft cunt. She was wet and slippery as only a young women can get. She tasted so sweet, before I fucked her to a very real orgasm. I can fantasize about her for years During periods of masturbation I also experimented with and tried numerous sex toys, both bought and created. If I was going to give anal sex, I needed to know what it felt like. A vibrator or anal beads up ones own ass gives a real appreciation for the tears in a woman’s eyes when you fuck her ass hard. So some of my cessions involved, numerous dildos and vibrators, all in the pursuit of the perfect orgasm and what eventually became a reputation as a very skilful lover. Mankind, women, we all talk and love discussing sex, discussing past lovers, I refused, but kept my own journal and so until know all my secrets have been for my pleasure my fantasies, and my woman. This journal hopefully will give some an insight into my mind, and it comes with no holds barred. I can only hope that in it’s reading, it will give understanding and many nights of pleasure to the reader. I ask myself how often I have read, books like “Penthouse Letters” or “My Secret Garden” “Woman on Top” by Nancy Friday, what fascinating insights I got from her books and then one can appreciate, the level I have gone to in understanding the sexual wants, need and desires of the fairer, but stronger sex and myself. I have failed miserably in all my relationships, but have perfected the art of making love to a woman. Am I destined to never meet someone? Other fantasies of mine, some of which I have been able to live out, others which will remain in my head forever. Anal sex, cleansing, enemas and who said only women need sex toys. During many a long night I recreated some of the most amazing scenes, often in front of a mirror or with a camera rolling. I had been experimenting with anal sex for years, never fully appreciating just how much pleasure one could create. The strange, but I suppose medically explainable fact is that whenever I had a butt plug or dildo up my ass, I lost my erection and yet some of the orgasms I had were truly mind blowing. Let me tell you about a few of these fantasies. I am sitting waiting at home, I have taken hours to prepare myself, be ready for this moment. I know he is on his way and while we have never met we have spoken for a while over the web. I am naked, fully shaved and during the course of the afternoon, have given myself an enema. Oh that amazing feeling, of fullness, then the cramping. Sometimes I can repeat the enema over and over. I always put a disinfectant in the warm water, and as it fills me, and cleanses me, I think of what I am going to do. The photographer arrives, we greet and I explain I need a portfolio for my collection and for my web sites. We move into the bathroom, I go down on my hands and knees, the water, flows , up my already clean ass. In fantasy and reality I always go through this cleansing ritual. The feeling of the water and the heaviness in ones stomach make you feel so sexual. I cramp, but keep holding it in. All the time the photographer is snapping away. I am oblivious to him and his camera. Anonymous, a model, I create pictures, of doctors , hospitals, and nurses in my mind, but my first enema at age 18,,by an army nurse while serving our country's military in Walvis Bay will never be forgotten. Instructing me to be a good boy and take my punishment. When I am fully cleaned and lubricated, I move through to the bedroom, where using whatever I have made for the day I fuck myself. First with a slim vibrator, slowly increasing its girth , stretching my ass, wider and wider so that I could take any larger cock. Often I will then imagine a short thick cock going up my ass. In life it hurt like hell and spoils the fantasy. Its girth, being what I want, I am in a world of my own in theses fantasies. I use all sorts of toys, balls, cock rings, and even manage to insert golf balls up my ass to simulate a hard cock. The camera rolls on, I am almost oblivious to its presence. I masturbate, pulling hard on my cock. I enjoy the pain, the fullness. The golf ball makes me cramp and want to shit. It is excruciating, but I cannot stop until I have a huge orgasm, come shoots in the air my ass clenching and finally I can release the foreign object from my asshole. I have been well and truly punished. The gallery of pictures will give me hours of fun in the future. There are many variations of this fantasy and I also include real life lovers in these elaborate fantasies. Sometimes they only play small parts. Arriving when I am ready or playing out the whole game with me. I have got my lovers to play all different roles, knowingly and unknowingly. Sometimes my nurse will be male sometimes female. Another version of a similar fantasy is wanting to be fucked, used, be a whore. This fantasy follows a similar pattern, of washing and preparing myself. However it changes, when the client arrives. I am the ultimate whore. Take the money, after all must be paid, then they can fuck me. In my fantasies I never reciprocate, I am always the one being used, fucked and paid, but I give satisfaction, they all want to come back for more and fuck my tight ass. If they have the money I have the time. I suppose I can say I have always been fascinated by women’s underwear, g strings, silk smooth skin, and how much care they take in there appearance and dressing. My ex wife, always wore beautiful g-strings and had the most beautiful feet in high heels. I often look at women’s feet, their slim toes and arched feet with long smooth legs. I have always been almost hairless, and remove all unwanted hair. Wearing silky stockings , underwear which exposed my genitals. It’s hard to fit a 19cm hard on inside a pair of panties. I often wonder if I am not also a flasher. I am aware of cock, my ass and myself when I can feel the soft silk. I have a very basic fantasy of wanting to go shopping with a women and let her then teach me how to dress, walk , and be able to go out in public, looking like a beautiful desirable women. This almost happened, recently, and we live in hope. This is not likely anymore, and a fantasy I should have tried while a lot younger, but I still enjoy collecting women’s underwear and then wearing it on occasion. I kept a pair of panties, from many of the women over the years, but my collection was ruined, when a jealous girlfriend took a scissors to them one day. I also have nightmare fantasies of having a car wreck and being found wearing women’s underwear with a butt plug up my ass. I have tried driving with one, but it was rather painful Most often these fantasies change when the officer or nurse is a women and she understands and fucks me anyway. My fantasies have changed dramatically over the years, and become intertwined in my personal sex life as well. Sometimes the fantasies are so good, I don’t want them interrupted, but sharing fantasies is great fun. I played many fantasy games, with women over the years, as I have described in earlier chapters, but one or two in particular stand out. Sex has always been amazing, often kinky, but on one particular night, I let her take control completely. She played the role of teacher, nurse. We had been on a non-stop, drink and drug binge for a few days, when we returned home. I know she was horny and wet. We had been fooling around and teasing. On arrival home I was instructing to lie across the table, where, she then proceeded to suck and finger my ass. All the time telling me, it was okay, she would not hurt me, but she had to punish me. It was an amazing experience. Then taking my cock in her mouth , and circling her tongue, she sucked every last drop of cum from my balls. Weak and spent after such a strong orgasm, I was still so turned on I entered her, first slowly, all the time stroking her clit and then hard. I fucked her for hours before again coming inside her. This amazing experience that I had fantasized about so many times in the past made me open to all sorts of new ideas and fantasies, but no fantasy could make up for the following few weeks and months. I tried and lived out some of the most bizarre, imaginative and amazing evenings. I always enjoyed a challenge or chase and was a regular visitor to adult dating and swinging sites over the years. Having experimented with some domination and anal sex I became a regular subscriber to sites like Butterfly.com and Matchmaker the possibilities were endless. I was in the process of moving house, business and my life all part of my journey, begun months and years before, when I was invited to a private dinner party. Our hosts Bruce and Katrina and three of the most different couples I have met in along time. After a wonderful dinner, in which I got to know all the guests maybe a description of the guests would show how far we have come as the new South Africa. Bruce and Katie is a mixed couple, Bruce although born in the UK considers himself a South African, while his gorgeous wife Katrina is South African. AB, a doctor by profession, from Afrikaner background, and his very lovely and young 28, black girlfriend Nisa. The final couple June and Doug also a mixed couple, I had met once before, and she in particular had just the most amazing pair of tits and a fantastic smile. So at this formal dinner party with one glaring exception, you had all the colours of the rainbow. The drinks flowed, great red wine, good company and music, when Katrina who was dancing very seductively, decided to lift her skirt and show off her lack of underwear. She is a very attractive woman and just watching her dance, rolling her hips and lifting her skirt up flashing her shaven pussy was extremely seductive. She has rhythm. The party moved into the lounge were we were treated to a show, blowjob for the men and lots of touching and sucking. Later the same evening Bruce sucked and then fucked his wife, to a very turned on and appreciative audience. Having watched and experienced my first really inter racial swinging party; I was left with some wonderful memories, of soft firm black skin, the delightful pinkness hidden amongst soft dark lips. Firm hot skin, and large thick nipples. The beauty of youth, the wonderful feel of mature skin and the sights and sounds of fantastic sex. As you can appreciate I was mostly a spectator at this party, having made contact with Bruce months earlier. Their fantasy to have another man, or couple present to watch them and participate. It really was a great evening and I am looking forward to our next meeting. After all we broke the ice, they had sex and the dinner was wonderful. My first swinging interracial experience, not exactly what I had expected, and was most certainly entertaining. However I was having the time of my life more sex than I could even handle and it was time to give in to some of my deeper cravings. I invited Jon and Priscilla over that same week. I had spent many nights, in front of my computer, surfing the web, adult ads, swingers clubs and so on. I had started placing ads on the web, 10 years earlier, and knew all the right sites. It was while surfing some of the more dodgy sites, as I called them that I decided to live out one or two more fantasies. The first one was to be with an Indian woman, of all the races and nationalities; I always believed Indian women are absolutely beautiful. I love their petite ness, sharp features and there colouring. I have admired Indian women, some of their actors, Bollywood style for a long time; I had just never been fortunate to make love to one. Along comes Jon. I had been responding to and placing ads in various sections of adult on line sites. I had previously responded to an ad of his asking for a well-endowed, white male to seduce his wife. Well suffice to say no seduction ever took place, but we had kept communicating, until one day he sends me an sms, telling me he will bring his wife to me, I can fuck her, anyway I want except up the ass. She is hot and horny, apparently they had been trying to make up their mind for months to try out swinging, but had not met the right person or couple. I suppose I was the right person at the right time. Jon and Priscilla were coming around at 8. I had a whole day to kill. Wondering , what it will be like, I had seen a picture, but was not one to trust Internet, pictures and descriptions. She was hot, quite short, nice big tits and a shaved pussy. Jon supplied all the pictures and I was really looking forward to that evening. Masturbation was order of the day and in preparation for meeting this total stranger and her husband, I carefully bathed, shaved and cleansed myself thoroughly. Maybe she didn’t like it in the ass, but I had other ideas. Cleansing, before and after sex, had become somewhat of a ceremony. Particularly if anal sex was involved, but in any event I had started giving myself daily enemas anyway. I was always clean and ready. During the course of the afternoon and early evening, I was surfing the web, checking out some porno, keeping myself aroused, in anticipation for tonight. I really love making love to a woman. Especially a new unknown one. I am not sure what it is, maybe its because its wrong. No I love the smell the taste and every bit of having a woman. An orgasm from a women, is so unique so special, anal stimulation and orgasm can be a totally different but no less satisfying orgasm. I loved both. It was while surfing that I saw an ad for a bi guy to join a couple, or another bi couple. He described himself as a “Top”. I replied to the ad , thinking there is no chance in a million, but shortly thereafter I got a reply. He was not only keen, but would take photos if we wanted. I set up a time to call later if I could get Priscilla’s approval. I knew that Jon would not be a problem as he had suggested I invite a mate, because he had recent surgery and could not get involved. It was my night I could have Priscilla anyway I wanted and bring a mate. Generous guy actually. Lets be honest, I don’t call my mates when I want a threesome, I have totally different set of swinging friends , to family friends. I am a private person, well I used to be anyway. That evening duly arrived and she was really beautiful and petite. We shared a bottle of wine before I took her to the bedroom, were we fucked for the next two hours. Every position possible, I sucked ever part of her , pussy , ass, tits. I fucked her until she was groaning and begging for release. She was tight, wet and hot, her pussy neatly shaved and glistening. I enjoyed every moment of her and am looking forward to a repeat performance, especially now that Jon tells me he will be out of action for months and I must keep her happy. This was straight heterosexual fantastic sex. Every bit of it as good as marriage sex or multiple sex. I would enjoy keeping her happy for a while anyway. The idea of bringing in the photographer would have spoilt our evening, this was really great safe sex. As Jon and Priscilla, left my place, that first night, my phone rang, an ex girlfriend. I was quite surprised, she really wanted to see me . More likely she wanted to fuck me as we had broken our relationship off some months before she made it very clear she wanted sex and I was the only option around right now. Was this going to be a mercy fuck? After the evening I was having , now that would not be cool. In any event I had other plans for the night. I had provided and fucked myself silly for the evening, it was my turn to now get fucked. I would finally live out my fantasy to be a whore. Time was money, and I needed to get fucked , while I was on this amazing high from my earlier exploits. Once again I washed and cleansed, it had only taken one call, he was a married, heterosexual guy , who loved fucking ass and as an aside he would bring his camera.. I set the scene, the price and what was allowed or not. He could use , fuck , suck do whatever he liked. I remain the whore, a psychologist will tell me its because I am hiding my true gay or bi tendencies. I say bullshit, this is my fantasy and I want to be just like some of the whores, prostitutes, massage parlours I have been to. I had some fantastic women. No this is all about a fantasy, I am the prostitute, my ass becomes my pussy, and I love being fucked hard. My client has the perfect cock, quite thick but not too long. After all this is about pleasure not pain. The actual deed , well not too much to write home about, you come you pay you go. I decided to make it special , this guy was going to fuck me properly. After a quick shower at my request, I waited on my hands knees on the bed, seeing my ass waiting and ready, he came up behind me and in one thrust stuck his cock up my ass. He then proceeded to ream my ass as I thrust backward to meet each new assault. I felt so fucking violated it was incredible. After that he fucked me in every position we could find, he even managed to suck me to a hard on which is not a regular occurrence for me during anal sex. A different and sometimes more violent orgasm is achieved. After awhile I got on my haunches and sat on his hard cock. So that he could thrust upward into my now gaping asshole. Amazingly it hit the right spot, the mans g spot. Okay my fucking prostrate and I had this unbelievable orgasm with cum shooting over my shoulder. I was well and truly fucked. It took me days before I could shit without tears in my eyes, but for the experience it was worth it.