Chapter 8 The Journey Difficult to know where to start, I suppose 740km from Johannesburg, in the middle of the Karoo is as good a place as any. I never realized how beautiful a Karoo sunset could be. Dark rain in the distance, the smell of water on the air. Everything quiet, before the storm. Well the storm hit not only in the Karoo, but in my personal life as well. The past few months had been a roller coaster, I had so much fun and was enjoying life to the full again. I had a number of close women friends having re-established all my contacts after my affair. I still thought of her often and we spoke on the phone, she was getting on with her life, having invented an amazing idea. I cannot really tell you how we got back together. I know I still desired her; the sex had always been amazing between us. I was addicted to her lovemaking. I did not need other woman when she was around. Maybe that would not have lasted forever but we had something very special and unique. I believe that sexually we were about as compatible and perfect as I have ever experienced. Everything about her oozed sexuality, she knew exactly how to make me cum. Not to mention she always smelt wonderful, she tasted even better, and we had some truly wonderful times together. Our holidays together, which were truly wonderful and held so much promise. I was truly captivated. What went wrong? Was it just the mistrust of my past, yet in those days she did not know my past, it was only almost two years later that we finally called it quits when she learned the truth about my past and all the things I have been telling her. Don’t try control me, just love me for who I am. I don’t play this game to be unfaithful, I seek the perfect orgasm and she was as close to it as I have ever come. I have no idea anymore what the attraction has become, sex, drugs, rock and roll, but love, well that would have been a stretch of my imagination, more likely to be obsession. Or so I believed until she showed me what true love is all about, wow love hurts. We both love weed, and of course sex, and some of our greatest times were spent on the road traveling. Almost like we needed to run away together for us to succeed. She was a wanderer, a traveler, Home was where she made it. I on the other hand found my home, in being where I had spent most of adult life. Things were about to change. I had traveled extensively in Africa and was always searching for a better home and then coming back to where home is. She was a Gemini, I was a Scorpio, and our love making was as passionate as a man could want. She gave unconditional love. Sadly the fights were just as passionate and had got steadily worse, sometimes two per day. Vicious, ugly and not what I would ever have dreamed possible. Broken furniture, bottles and glasses - all part of the warfare we waged to gain power and control. All she wanted was to be loved. Eventually I gave in and decided to try the truth route. Who was I really? Well she was shocked, but even more shocked when I suggested she could accept it or leave. She stayed. I introduced her to swinging and swing parties and we openly discussed setting up our own private club or getaway, for adult swingers. Not the hard core shit one found at clubs in SA, but a proper weekend adult getaway where open-minded couples, nudists, voyeurs, exhibitionists and swingers could enjoy themselves. One night we visited a farm in Hartebespoort and I showed her the hard-core, fuck parties, up close and personal, but we never participated and we just enjoyed each other. I sadly believe the jealousy and insecurity started to grow in her after these parties and my lack of feeling and unwillingness to tell her I loved made her insecurity grow. I was feeling controlled and manipulated. She has a way of connecting with me mentally, even when we are far apart, I get messages, signals if you like. She is very psychic and a damn good-looking witch. My secrets and my phone, email and life became an obsession with her, as she grew more insecure and more paranoid about my swinging. Who was I seeing? Who was I calling? Who was I fucking? It saddens me that I allowed this to happen. When full well I knew all she wanted was a commitment from me. If I could have given her that, all her insecurity would vanish, but sadly I could not end it soon enough. I was addicted to her as well and to let go was so hard for me. Finally I did snap and so it was that after another huge fight over some meaningless bullshit, I lost my rag, switched off my phone and decided to get out of Johannesburg. I had some strange notion of rebellion in me. Fuck everyone! I was a mature, single, white male and didn’t give a rat’s shit for anyone else’s feelings and besides this bullshit had gone on long enough. After all I am self-employed, debt free, drive a damn nice sports car and am bloody selfish. Now I was parked, standing in the middle of the Karoo, watching a storm, a beautiful rainbow and nothing else except the miles and miles of Karoo scrub. I found myself in the middle of nowhere and screaming, “I am free” “I am Free, I am Free”. I suddenly realized what I had done. In the space of 24 hours, I had numerous meetings with bankers and lawyers to put my affairs together, and find a suitable lawyer and accountant. I had then had another huge fight with her for no reason and used that as an excuse to finally break away as a free and independent man with no strings attached. I packed only my necessities and cameras, PC, dive gear and personal documents. I included a sleeping bag, pillow and personal picture. I said good-bye to my family. And here I was screaming my head off in the middle of the Karoo. Oh yeah! While putting my affairs in order, I took with for this journey, my two bankbooks with liquid available funds of seven hundred thousand Rand and fifty thousand pound sterling. Not to mention a gold credit card and credit of about three hundred thousand. My bank manager had been most accommodating and was even prepared to extend a loan of up to a million. However with nearly 1.5 million in free cash, a merc sport, I had nowhere to go, and no one to answer too. I was free and on my way to change my life, and that is where this story begins and the past ends. I did not know what the future holds for me. This was the first time in my life I felt totally and truly alone. I had left the comforts of my home and everything but necessities behind me. I was not running away, I knew my responsibilities, and I would take care of them from wherever I was and would always be there for my son, but I needed to find a new direction and future. I want to spread my wings and fly. Let the wind take me as it did when I screamed, and a soft karoo breeze took the words from my lips, just like it had its own need to be free, to be gone, now I will write and live my dream, to travel and write. Arriving on the outskirts of Bloemfontein, lighting my third or fourth “J” for the day, fate played a cruel trick on me. I had been thinking of some of her threats, she was going to destroy my name, my character, basically fuck up my life because I was responsible for her fucked-up life. She was going to tell the world I was a swinger. What an amazing inspiration for me. I could tell the world far better than her. A lot of it has been said before and the threats, well, I had wanted to end this relationship for so long, each time, we had got back together I knew it was not going to last. My first night on the road was spent in a town I don’t remember and a motel, which boasted private rooms with bathroom en-suite. That was the last place I had that luxury. My journey had been one of solitude and awe. The karoo after a storm, a magnificent rainbow and then a sunset to rival anywhere in the world. Sadly the motel and breakfast the next day did no justice to the beauty of the place. I pushed on, having now made up my mind. Cape Town was my first stop and if I liked, well who knows. Coming into the Cape, wine farms and the sea was uplifting. I had enjoyed the solitude in the Karoo, but here was a city, full of tourists, new people to meet, stories to tell. I found a cheap backpackers, I had learned my lesson with the cheap motels. Besides, Cape Town was very busy. Cyclists coming down for the Argus, tourists, lots of Germans, a very cosmopolitan city. My euphoria did not last long. By this stage, I was taking pressure from all and sundry about leaving and moving without any notice. I had decided to change my phone number. Could not use the old number, it was clogged with un-read messages; from everyone I did not want to talk to. Besides, the cellular industry were already pumping their latest innovation. Find me! Cellular technology? Who wants to be found anyway? She found me anyway. Amazing what a phone call can do. She made one phone call to Netstar and they tracked me to Sea Point. She arrived on the next flight from Johannesburg to try and win me back without success as I was too angry, her latest stunts included checking my mail, contacting ex girl friends, stalking me on the Internet using anonymous email. The true cyber stalker was born after she learned how to access adult web sites. That is for another story, though. As her flight left Cape Town International airport, I felt sad, alone and pretty disgusted with myself, I was also very angry. I left Cape Town the same day, destination, Eastern Cape. The beauty of Cape Town is left behind very quickly and it is not for many hours that I worried or cared about my surroundings. The one thing that does stand out is the desolation, small towns, suspicious people and a very boring landscape. Sheep, cattle and brown dry grass for as far as you can see. I wonder who from the Cape decided that it was a beautiful place. Maybe one should be more specific. My mood was as bad as the landscape, I was pissed off, and I knew I would have to delay my travels, but it was only temporary as I had tasted the freedom, and I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. The first night on the road again and I stayed in Mossel Bay. Not much to say there, clean rooms, a fisherman’s village. Grown into a monstrosity of first world oil refineries and gas pipe lines. The fun started the next day, when I took a wrong turn and headed over the mountains, forest to Plett and then onward. I spent 8 hours traveling a total of 150kms, I was stoned out of my head, and enjoyed an amazing day in the forest, finally making up my mind that I had to face my issues, give the relationship a chance or get out completely. The next day I drove a straight 8 hours to be back in Johannesburg before nightfall. I would interrupt my journey, and have an open relationship with a woman. I don’t expect to find unconditional love. I don’t believe anything but our love for our children is unconditional. I was however given another chance possibly for a relationship. It wasn’t for nearly a year before we saw each other again. During that time I had a wonderful relationship with a divorcee from my past. Glynis and I met shortly after my divorce, had a very brief fling, but were both raw from the past. Now many years later we had met again through a mutual friend. The sex between us had been very good. While the relationship was very satisfying, she could not or did not want to understand my desire for an open relationship. I had too many secrets and I was not prepared to live a lie. She would definitely not swing with me. After a few months of dating each other, I had told her I want to date other women as well. There was no compromise, so we ended the relationship. Anita and I had kept our distance for a while, I was determined that it was finally over. There had been a lot of mud slinging and nastiness after our break up, but probably the one thing that never changed was that she still loved me. Maybe it was time to try healing the damage and maybe by living with openness and honesty, some of her insecurity would stop. After all, we had gone to clubs together, I had told her about my past and swinging, not in any great detail, she had done her own detective work and digging into my past, diaries and e mail, to know exactly what I was and she deserved to know the truth. I am capable of loving many women; I do not believe monogamy is the only choice we have. Maybe if we fall in love we can make that choice, but does that mean forever. Assuming we remain together, I wanted to only swing with her and I wanted to explore all my fantasies with her. I would love to see her get sucked by another woman, but maybe we will take small steps to rebuild our trust and respect and learn from our friendship first. It seems we had come full circle. So to the final few chapters of this novel. Where to now? Well that is a whole new story; I have met many wonderful women in my life. I don’t believe I have met the one and only woman, yet. I have now been able to resume my Journey, which was interrupted, and that is a whole new story. Where it will take me I do not know, but while I have life, I follow my dream. Maybe there is still hope for me - I remain a DWM