Introduction

Sadly, single males have a poor reputation in the swingers lifestyle because of some bad apples who ruin swinging experiences for couples by having created a stereotype that single males:

• are greedy sex seekers who will fuck just about any female with absolutely no discrimination - if there is a woman willing to take them on, the singles are game;

• many of them are quite rude;

• do not respect the couple's relationship by trying to get things going with the female partner, the minute the male partner steps away - not just to have sex with her, but to coax her into cheating on her partner;

• think that the male partner in a couple is incapable of sexually satisfying his partner;

• think having a big cock and/or athletic body is all that is needed to pleasure a woman;

• are arrogant and think that they have more to offer the woman by way of physical looks and money etc.

• do not have the foggiest idea as to why couples swing, or exactly what the lifestyle is all about in general.

For these, among other reasons, many couples prefer not to go to clubs which allow single males, and there is a generally a larger part of the swingers community that does not like single males than those who do like them. 

So let us now address why this negative stereotype exists and how it can be changed.

Having been actively involved in the lifestyle for over 12 years, sadly, from my own experiences  both online, and at swingers events, I can say that there have been several men whom I have encountered personally, and who, unfortunately fit the aforesaid description -  men who are rude and obnoxious sex hungry fiends, lurk in the shadows at events, waiting, wanking and watching without ever saying a word. Unfortunately, it is men like these, who are all too common online, who sadly have given single males with a genuine interest in the swingers lifestyle a bad rap.

But I also know that not all single men who want to swing act like this and they certainly do not want to be painted with the same brush, so how does one change this stereotype?

You start by rising above it and demonstrate that yes, even though you are a single guy, you are not desperate to have sex with just about anyone. You have standards, and you are willing to jump through a few hoops in order to attend a swingers event. You are capable of holding a conversation, are charismatic, fun, and flirtatious. You understand the lifestyle and the real reason couples swing. Further, you would never lurk outside a curtain in a swingers club on the off chance of getting involved because you simply do not need to do so.

Challenge the stereotype. I would be instantly intrigued if a single guy I was chatting to online had to say to me, " If you think I'm like the rest, let me show you that I’m different" instead of "I'm horney" or "would you like to watch me cum".

If, from the outset, you present yourself as being a cut above the rest - someone who knows what they want, a man who is secure in his own sexuality and is confident, then it will dramatically change how you are perceived either online or at a swingers event. Do not let the stigma define you, challenge it.

It has been my own experience  as well as the experience of others we frequently engage with in this lifestyle, that some of the most basic protocol is all too often overlooked by men who want to be part of this diverse and sex positive lifestyle. It has also been my great pleasure to have met with and played with men who value, not only themselves, but others who partake in this rich and uniting way of life. So what separates these two groups of men?

Single males in the swingers lifestyle are plentiful, the whole supply and demand situation is stacked against you, yet it is possible for a single male to successfully navigate his way through the swingers lifestyle, but his success will depend heavily upon whether or not he can apply the following simple yet effective guidelines:

1. Create an effective online profile
To begin with, before you even create your online profile do your research. There is a wealth of information available online which will give you access to information about why couples want to explore the swing lifestyle and how you, as a single guy can fit into that picture. 

More importantly learn what the lifestyle is not about and let go of ALL of the misconceptions you might have. Couples are very selective, and only a handful of couples are looking for a single man to join them, so stay in your lane and focus on the couples who are looking for single men, instead of just randomly contacting couples.

A lot of men come unstuck in creating an appealing online adult dating profile. If you want to stand out then you need to put time and effort into creating a profile which will appeal to the couples you want to attract. Be honest and do not spam couples who are not interested in single guys. Never say you are single if you are cheating on your wife, be honest and state that you are playing without consent  and most definitely never create a fake couples profile with an imaginary partner who is never available to play. Couples have seen it before and you may well be blocked from any further contact.  

An engaging profile is all about creating an emotional connection. It is not about how big your dick is or how much you love giving oral. Take time to actually read the profiles, note the language couples use, and what they are looking for; and only then create a profile which is most likely to get their attention.

Always post a profile picture instead of using a generic profile pic. Always upload a face pic to your private gallery as couples will most likely ask to see what you look like. Couples also prefer if you do not  “shove” your dick in their face as your profile photo, however, always have one in your gallery, or private gallery, just in case they request it.

As far as it concerns dick picks, take care to present them in a tasteful and appealing manner. Never, ever take a pic while standing over a toilet, or in a dirty and untidy space. Never display a large unkempt bush of pubic hair as it speaks to very poor personal hygiene and is an instant put off.

2. Chat effectively and with purpose
When you see a swinging couple's profile you like the look of, then before you even start chatting to them, you need to shift the focus away from the end result - that is having sex.  By shifting the direction, you take the pressure off yourself and can relax and engage with the couple much more naturally. This really works by the way. Stop thinking and overthinking about the outcome, and just enjoy chatting.

If you present yourself as an outgoing, chatty, confident person, who does not even mention the word sex, then you will get much further, because you can demonstrate to them you are secure and approachable. If they like you then they will be more inclined to take the conversation somewhere more intimate. All you have to do is show them you are not at all like the other guys - you have confidence and charm. And that my friends is very sexy indeed!

Carefully read what a couple is looking for before messaging them. You may be looking for fun with the female half however the male half must be ok with you, approve of you and trust you. The couple you are interested in may enjoy MFM (male, female, male threesomes), hotwifing, gang bangs, orgies or just be ok with the female playing while the man watches.

Ask the couple what they are seeking in a respectful manner. If a couples profile states “no single men" respect that. You are NOT the exception to the rule. Disrespect will only end up getting you blocked. Also fellow lifestylers do talk to each other, especially about single men, who lack respect.

Always send a decent and original message to introduce yourself. Do not simply copy and paste the same message to multiple couples. Again, remember that we lifestylers all talk and word will quickly get around that you are lazy and/or desperate  and that is a huge turnoff.

Instead of diving straight in with sex talk, ask them about their experiences in the lifestyle  about what they enjoy outside the world of swinging, and how long have they been together as a couple. It is essential to build up a rapport and establish trust. All too often, single guys get their approach all wrong, and this lands them with nothing.

Likewise, do not settle for a couple just because they say yes. Think about if you are going to enjoy sex with them. For example,  if you are not at all vanilla and they are, then chances are, you are probably not going to connect, or if they are heavily into cuckolding, and want you to participate, then do some research first as to what that entails, before you are included in any playtime.

Whether you are chatting online or you are meeting for the first time  it is imperative to remember that serious swinging couples are part of a team and should always  be approached as one. Always chat to BOTH of them, not just the wife. After all he is giving you permission to fuck his wife so he has to like you, feel that you are respectful, and someone they could potentially get naked with.

Also discuss what you want to get out of the connection - a one-off playdate or an ongoing fuck buddy or friends with benefits arrangement, but understand that this is ultimately all about their wants and needs, not yours. Make an effort to understand their relationship dynamic, and start to build a connection like you would with anyone you want to be friends with. 

3. Attending a swingers event
Just like with a couple new to the lifestyle, there will be a learning curve as the single man adjusts to the swingers environment. This is another reason why I think it is so very important to provide single men with tips and pointers to assist them in navigating a successful route through the swingers lifestyle.

It is true that there will be those single men who come into a club and for whatever reason lose sight of how they are supposed to act, and on occasion will have to be reminded to rein it in, or in the extreme case be evicted from the event on account of their misconduct despite the tips and pointers provided.

It is not hard to be a great playmate but single men do need some help with the basics of being a single male in the swingers lifestyle. Such a man must at all times follow some serious rules, not appear desperate and make sure that he respects the relationship of the couples, both, that he does, and does not play with. In doing so, he will definitely move closer towards the type of happy ending he is hoping to achieve in the lifestyle.

Single guys, if you get lucky enough to be invited to a party or even a private meeting with a couple, SHOW UP AND DO NOT BAIL OUT. After all there is absolutely no point of putting in all of the work if you are going to bail out. This also goes back to your level of respect.

Think of it as going on a date. Dress to impress, be freshly showered, well groomed, and keep aftershave to a minimum or not use any at all. Take care and make a concerted effort to put in all the basics you would expect if you were meeting someone for a date with the potential of having sex. 

The swingers community is very picky when it comes to which single men they allow into events since there is an overwhelming number of single guys who want to be part of the swingers lifestyle world, The swingers clubs which do invite single guys to swingers events, generally limit the number of single men at any event.

To qualify for an invitation a single man must either be known to the event organiser, have a past association with the club, have been vouched for, and referred by a patron, or been brought along as a couple's plus one.

Always take great care in how you conduct yourself at a swingers event. Word gets around fast in this lifestyle, more especially about single men who just dont “get it”. The slightest wrong move on your part, even though you did not mean to intentionally offend anyone, could cost you many valuable vouches and referrals, get you a warning or even kicked out from the event. In addution thereto, damage may also be caused to the reputation of the patron/couple who vouched for, and recommended you to the club.

Since most of the club owners/event organisers know each other personally and they do talk among themselves. Bad behaviour can therefore end up getting you blacklisted, even at clubs you have never attended before.

Always remember that there are plenty of single men out there who would love to take your place so do not misbehave and risk being banned from future swingers events.

If you have registered to attend an event but have been declined, do not abuse the event organizer.  There are plenty of parties out there and plenty of couples, so do not argue or complain about the entry price, that the event has an age limit, or that the event has reached its single guy limit. Just move on or request that a couple you know well try to get you in as their plus one.

Be ever respectful. Be ever kind. Be ever a gentleman!

Remember the couple is not looking to make you a “star”. If they choose to play with you, know your role. You are merely a guest star or supporting character. This lifestyle is not about breaking couples up or finding the love of your life, but rather about having fun.

Some useful tips when attending swingers events are as follows:

• Know the rules of this particular swingers event and abide by them strictly.

• Arrive on time and if its a privately hosted party, do not arrive empty handed and always let the organizer know, timeously, if you are going to be late or have to cancel for any reason.

• If you are not sure about etiquette, ask.

• If you are the guest of a couple, follow their lead.

•. If doors or curtains are closed, they are closed for a reason. Respect that and do not try to sneak into an area which is restricted for play or any other reason.

• Only use your cell phone in designated areas and never use your camera.

• Accept that no means no, and stop what you are doing immediately.

• Do not invite a female along as your partner with a plan to ditch her at the first opportunity, and never ever pay a prostitute to accompany you to a swingers event.

• If it is a theme night, make an effort. It always makes a great conversation starter and shows you have made an effort. 

• Do not just sit at the bar all night nursing drink after drink. Smile and appear approachable. Also remember that erections and excessive alcohol simply do not go together. 

• If you want to approach a couple, do it when they are both there, not when the husband walks away to refresh his drink or some other reason, and ensure that you always include the male partner of a couple in all of your conversations with that couple. The couple will be watching for this, and the more the man trusts you, the more fun the experience will be for you. Propositioning someones female partner without acknowledging the man will only end up getting you blacklisted. So too will a display of arrogance - implying that you are the greatest thing since whipped cream.

• Never lie that you are only checking out the club before you bring your imaginary partner there, or that your partner is away for work, or is unwell. If swingers could have one cent for every time we have heard it before, we would all be rolling in cash. We did not believe it the first time we heard it and definitely do not believe it now. 

• Do not take rejection personally, just accept it graciously, much as you would expect if you decline an invitation from a couple you are not interested in.

• Do not gossip about other couples even if it is a really great story, and never reveal their secrets or real names. It's not just not cool to do so, but remember, swingers talk to each other.

• If you bump into someone outside of the club environment, do not rush over to talk about what happened at the club, take your cue from them even if it is just a polite nod and a shy smile.

• If someone took photos with your permission do not simply add those they share with you to your profile or send them to anyone else without asking permission. Again, it's just about respect. 

• Remember that bare skin, a skimpy outfit or performing a sex act is not an invitation to touch someone. 

• Watching play is fine, but if participants look uncomfortable or ask you to move away, do so immediately.

• Do not ever lie about your experience in the lifestyle, or if you are into certain kinks or fetishes. Honesty is always the best way to seal the deal and lies will always come back to bite you, causing you to lose all credibility.

Take note that these tips only cover the generic minimum acceptable conduct in the swingers lifestyle, and there may well be rules which are specific to a venue or style of event, so do your research before you attend.

4. Personal hygiene and appearance
That I even have to include this in an article, is an absolute no brainer.  

If you want to experience an evening in bed with a beautiful, hot couple or single, then take time and make an effort to not look like you just climbed out of bed.

I am always amazed at just how easily this step is often overlooked by single men attending a play date or swingers event.

One of the basic successes in life is to always put your best foot forward. Physical attraction, more often than not, initiates an encounter at a swingers event. It is therefore imperative that you look and feel your best.

Putting on a clean pair of clothing is not going to do you any good if you have not showered, styled your hair (including facial and pubic hair), brushed your teeth, freshened your breath and spritzed on some nice smelling perfume (in moderation - too much can overwhelm). It is also important to freshen your genitals before engaging in any kind of play.

There is a saying, “A good suit to a woman is what lingerie is to a man.” I know for me, there is nothing more sexy than a man who cares about himself and takes pride in his appearance and personal hygiene. I am therefore much more inclined to strike up a conversation with, and consider playing with a man if he is well dressed as opposed to looking like he has just finished cleaning out his garage.

Remember, a woman puts just as much importance on the physical appearance of a man as a man does a woman.

5. Manners always makes the man
The successful single man understands how far good manners will get him, especially in the swinger environment.

He will always strive to be courteous and polite, keep his hands to himself and respect everyone’s personal space.

He will also not have any expectations about what could happen at the end of the evening because his main goal is to engage in meaningful interaction with other like-minded couples and singles.

He will not shy away from introducing himself, will be well spoken and be able to discuss a wide range of topics, while able to read whether or not he has overstayed his welcome with a couple or single and then graciously move on.

On numerous occassions I have seen guys waiting for an opportunity to approach the woman in private, often when she is on the way to the bathroom or at the bar, and to then suddenly decide that this is the perfect time to then engage in conversation with her, while she is away from the clutches of her husband or boyfriend. Guys, this technique is not going to work.

Show some respect to both parties and never do this. If you want to play with a couple then you have to be prepared to talk to them both, not just the woman. Be respectful, always. Odds are, that she will return to her partner only to recall how she was just approached by ‘some asshole’, so do not be that guy!

The successful single man knows and understands that the couple is a complete package, and also knows to engage both people in conversation because it is just as important to find a common ground with the husband as it is with the wife.

The swinging couple is in the club to enhance their relationship not to replace something. They want to intensify an already strong bond. The successful single man understands this and shows it by being well mannered, courteous and polite with both partners at all times.

6. Keep your expectations realistic
The best experiences are often the ones where you have no high expectations. Without expectations, you cannot possibly suffer disappointment.

Remember that an invitation by a couple or entry to a swingers event does not guarantee that you will have sex.

The majority of action at a swingers party is usually social interaction, and only sometimes play happens during or after the party, when you either may or may not be invited to join, therefore do not be frustrated if the night of carnal pleasures you imagined only turns out to be a social night where you only chatted to some couples.

There are however, many couples who, like us, do not have a problem playing with the single men allowed into swingers events just as long as such men know exactly how to conduct themselves once there. 

As you become known to couples, you will eventually have memorable nights of passionate sex with some truly amazing people. Just dont be pushy, don’t be aggressive. Just take baby steps.

Some of my best experiences with single males have been those in which I initiated sex. These guys let me take the lead and were happy to follow. Before play, they made eye contact with me across the room, socialized with both hubby and me,  and were smart enough to read and understand my body language. They clearly understood that in such a sexually charged environment women like to take the dominant role, and women rule.

7. Steer clear from talking about sex
If you want to be rejected at the outset then rest assured that this kind of opening line will do it every time, "Hi, my name is___.  You are soo hot and sexy, I would really like to have sex with you.”

Think about it, you are already at a swingers event where the prospect of sex is hanging thick in the air and the atmosphere is charged in anticipation of things to come. There really is no need to state the obvious as an ice breaker. Take time instead, and make an effort to actually have a conversation with either the couple, or the single who interests you.

All too often I have seen single men attend a swingers club laboring under the false belief that every woman in that club is not only wanting to have sex, but wanting to have sex with them.

Nothing, however, can be further from the truth!

In fact, many couples who attend clubs either almost never take advantage of the playrooms or they only play with each other in private, while others simply enjoy the swingers atmosphere for its voyeur or exhibitionist setting.

It is therefore always better to err on the side of caution when approaching a couple or single and strike up a conversation with a potential partner or partners by being genuine in your interest in who they are and what they have to offer, irrespective of whether you strike out or end up playing - do not ever push for sex.

Swingers love a bit of flirtation and cheeky banter, and will talk about sex with you only if they decide it is you that they want to have sex with.

8. Consent, consent, consent
Always remember that the couple you want to have sex with have already discussed their boundaries and rules for play before they meet you.  You have to play within these boundaries and obtain full consent from both partners before you do.  Respect their boundaries and NEVER try to shift their boundaries or negotiate around their rules – it is their rules after all. 

Remember, consent can be withdrawn at any time, so it is also up to you to ensure you have fluid consent every step of the way,  – you need to check in with the woman, constantly.

I know that it is awkward, but navigating consent is YOUR responsibility. Pay careful attention to non-verbal cues and body language but checking in with, “are you ok if I do this” or, “is this something you would like me to do” will demonstrate that you are a respectful and considerate playmate who plays within boundaries. Sex without consent is rape!

For me, probably the biggest faux pas I see frequently committed by single men, is touching a woman without her consent.

Guys,  A SKIMPY DRESS, NUDITY OR A WOMAN ENGAGING IN A SEXUAL ACT WITH SOMEONE ELSE IS NOT AN INVITATION TO TOUCH!

While my husband is almost always quick to quell any unwanted touch or advance, such uninvited contact is in any case far from sexy or romantic and definitely will not assist a single man in a successful interchange with us or any other couple.

Of course consent works both ways. You have the right to say no and the right to remove consent at any time or not participate in something you do not feel comfortable doing. 

It is also important not to make assumptions.

Just because a swinger couple has played with you previously, or someone else in a certain way does not mean that they will have the same boundaries and rules or lack thereof with you this time. Like any other relationship, each play date is unique so get rid of any and ALL assumptions.

9. Desist from lewd and obnoxious behaviour

Part of a successful swingers club experience is the opportunity to meet couples and singles who are like-minded. You will miss out on this opportunity if you elect to stay in the shadows.

I know that it can be daunting and difficult to work up the courage to introduce yourself, especially when you run the risk of rejection, but it is unfortunately a step you have to be willing to take in order to meet others.

One of the more common complaints at swingers events with regard to single men, is that there are men who follow a couple around, either keeping themselves just out of reach, or in some cases, invading the couple's space. Either way, rather than enticing the couple to engage with them sexually, their behavior can at best only be perceived as downright creepy.

Never masturbate in a public space at the swingers event because this just makes you look desperate. I’m not talking about masturbating in a group/couple/single setting in which you have been invited and masturbation is part of the play. I’m talking about standing next to people who are having sex and masturbating when you are clearly not invited to do so. Further, refrain from doing other lewd things like licking the glass of a voyeur room when people are engaging in sexual activity. Not only is this lewd, but no one wants to see it and it is extremely off-putting.

The successful single man will never enter into any play area unless invited to do so. Instead of lurking in the shadows of the play area, the successful single man will spend his evening engaging in meaningful conversation with couples or singles in the lounge/bar area of the club, where he will take the time to get to know his potential play partner/s long before the topic of playing is ever broached. He will take time and make an effort to set up a play date rather than lurching around the play area hoping to score.

10. Lose the drama and build the relationship
Never be the kind of person who gets clingy after you have sex with a couple, and never presume that you will get an invite for a repeat performance. It's nothing personal.

A couple may only be seeking an occasional threesome, or perhaps the sexual chemistry was not as good as they had hoped it would be; or perhaps they have a “once only” rule.

Do not become needy or overwhelm them with follow up messages,  and definitely do not create drama for them, by attempting to contact the woman, even if she does share her contact details with you.

Instead, build the relationship. If things went well and you are still in contact and talking about hooking up again, start to build on the relationship. Ask them what they would like to do next time, and explore their fantasies or perhaps share your own, but remember to chat to both of them.

Many couples start swinging to create new friendships and connections outside of their normal vanilla social circle so take the time and make the effort to nurture that connection. 

I cannot overstress the importance of great social skills and good manners in the swinging lifestyle. A message to thank a couple for a great night, even if you did not end up having sex is always appreciated. Of course writing a sincere and honest vouch on their online profile to say you have met and/or played with them in person is also a great thing to do.

Conclusion
In all my years of being part of the swingers lifestyle, I have found that the single male does indeed play a vital role by providing that additional play partner, that fantasy role in a threesome, that much-needed member of a gang bang and orgy, or on occasion, that partner in a separate play situation.

I have personally formed incredible friendships with several single men whom I have come into contact with over the years and always enjoy seeing and talking to them at swingers events, regardless of whether or not we end up playing at that event.

I also believe that most swingers will admit to enjoying, either at one time or another, the benefits of having playtime with a single man.

Yes, while the single man can at times be dealt a pretty rough hand as a result of a few bad apples, for the most part though, those single men already successfully navigating the swinging lifestyle will know and understand the vital addition they provide to a plethora of play.

It is however, not only up to the single man to put his best foot forward, but also the responsibility of all fellow lifestylers to be respectful of these men, and what they bring to the lifestyle.

Something I have always tried to remember is that you can never really know someone’s situation until you talk to them. Perhaps that single man in the club is a recently divorced swinger, or worse, maybe he is the widow of a swingers couple and misses the companionship of the lifestyle. He may also be new to the area and just wants to meet people who are more open-minded, or he could simply be new to the lifestyle and have no clue what his role is in this foreign arena.

With a loving and open arms policy, I believe that the swinging community can come together in support of this empowering lifestyle and encourage ALL who are interested in learning the benefits of entering into a swinging relationship and can all become vital teachers in reaching those who are truly and genuinely interested in this lifestyle.

I sincerely hope that what I have taken the time to share in this rather lengthy article will help you to break the stereotype and stand out from the crowd so that you can experience all that this lifestyle has to offer. 

The purpose of being involved in a swingers lifestyle is to have fun in a judgment-free zone where you can explore your sexuality in a safe and consensual environment. So have fun, follow the rules , respect the boundaries couples have set up and if you have some fun experiences I would love to hear about them.