It’s a topic I’ve been mulling over for well over a decade.  Was actually a question of self-awareness that hit me quite hard a couple years into my relationship with my wife as we learnt more about each other, ourselves and our pasts.

At the time I was nothing but a naïve 20something.  Wife and I had been exploring, finding our way to the world of dominant partner/submissive partner.  It was quite the challenge for me with my quite conservative upbringing to digest the vast world of sex and all the ways we can enjoy it and ourselves and even others.

Not long after first discovering the submissive tendencies of the mrs, the voices started to whisper in the back of my mind, ever louder, this isn’t right and then… the bombshell double whammy:  Learning of the mrs past abuse experiences and the release of 50 shades, like so many offerings since, which are just a glorification of abuse, consensual rape and the romanticizing of Stockholm syndrome.

Down the rabbithole I fell, and hard.  What is a dominant?  How is it different from being a predator.  A hole I would be in for the better part of decade without so much as an inkling of self-awareness of even being there.

Safe, sane and consent…

Safe.

Sane.

Consent.

These proved the core to finding my way.  Simple. Concise.  Could even say elegant.   Either way, definitely profound. 

Put another way:  Intent, purpose and process.  These are the fundamental means to tell the difference between a true dominant from a sexual predator.  And be sure not to shoehorn by gender or sexual orientation here.  Men and woman are equally capable of being both niave, vulnerable victim or the selfish, abusive perpetrator here, regardless of any sexual orientation, straight, gay, bi and all the rest.

Purpose and process immediately tackle core, fundamental misperceptions to the dominant/submissive dynamic of the mainstream narrative created by the stories of 50shades and whatnot:

It is the sandbox belonging to the submissive that is explored and where the experience occurs.   What is and is not acceptable is defined by the submissive, not the dominant.  The dominant is facilitator, there to create a safe space for the submissive to let go, let somebody else drive.

Let’s put it this way.  Yes, the dominant is the one driving the car, choosing where to go, what sites to see, with the submissive in the backseat, getting to enjoy the journey.  But it’s the submissive’s car, they’ve merely trusted the dominant with the keys.  The dominant still has to drive the car according to how instructed by the submissive, don’t over rev, don’t push too fast around the corners and whatever other input the submissive gives on how to best drive their car.

A dominant heeds to, respects and appreciates all a submissive’s boundaries and limits.  Yes, they can challenge the submissive, but that in itself is a matter of the relationship between dom and sub, and the lvls of trust and understanding developed.

And then we come to intent.  What drives the dominant.  And here, I refer back to the facilitator reference.  Dominants enjoy challenging others, encouraging journey’s of self-discovery and growth.  They are actually naturally nurturing, taking great pleasure in seeing those they explore with become self-empowered, self-confident.  They find great pleasure in being trusted so intimately.

Safe.  Sane and consent.  The dominant should be striving to create a safe play environment.  They emotionally aware and nurturing and will naturally seek to ensure any exploring is done by the sub for the right reasons, from a healthy emotional state.  And there will always be a no-exception rule of consent.  And the plottwist?  The dominant will be sure they apply all this to themselves too, that they are safe, they are emotionally stable and that they too must give consent.  A dominant will always seek communication, oft to the point of frustration of the submissive.

The predator.  Identified by intent, purpose and process.  Once remove the misperceptions of who’s actually in control, as discussed earlier, the dominant may be the individual driving the car.  They may be the person in charge of what happens in the sandbox, but at all times, they are aware that it is the rules and ‘belongings’ of the submissive.

The predator is all about themselves and their own gratification.  From their intent, to their process.  Their purpose is evident, even blatant when simply aware of what the true dynamic between dominant and submissive is.

Communication is a great means to help clarify, genuine, two way communication.   The very nature of how they communicate.  Disorientating?  Overwhelming?  Questionaires 300 questions long?  Avoiding questions?  Regularly pushing to far, ignoring boundaries?  Any awareness/concern of your emotional state?  Do you feel powerless or empowered? 

It doesn’t matter the nature of the relationship, vanilla or hedonist.  A marriage or friends with benefits.  If there was just one thing I had to choose for readers to take away from this, it is the unfathomable value of genuine, unadulterated communication. 

It scary to think of the dangers out there, nobody likes doing it, but it comes with the territory of being responsible and ensuring we and those we care about are safe.  Hopefully these ramblings prove helpful. 

As for me, my journey continues, and so does the learning, I am certainly not finished yet, such is the beauty of life.   Thanks for reading my ramblings, and your input and communication of thoughts and opinions most certainly very welcome. 

Keep safe.